Maybe I am crazy…

And please, for the sake of what little sanity I possess, put the emphasis on *am.*

I took a walk tonight.  It’s not part of my evening routine, and in reality I was supposed to go to the gym, but I couldn’t bear the same monotony of the usual Monday night workout.  So, I put in my earbuds, locked the door, and did a leisure 3 mile walk.  The evening was, and is, very cool and the sun hadn’t really started its descent, and as I was walking, I had decided to play a character based playlist from my Spotify account.  For those of you who are a little unsure of what I mean, most of my characters have a specific genre or style of music associated with them, so when I want to channel a character, I put on their playlist and let the speak to me.  Tonight’s band of voices was Delia, Kaitlyn, Mera, and Murielle.

As I was walking along, listening to the playlist dedicated to the first three ladies, I was struck by something that will seem completely insane to most people.  Indeed, it feels pretty unnerving as well, when I think about it, but it is the truth.  I felt as if all of the voices in my head were walking alongside me, making a large body people who walked with me, as opposed to me being my usual solitary self.

It was strange.  I could almost see Delia reach for Cullen- now finally happy to have come home, Kailtyn put the dagger into her lover’s back only for her to scream in agony for it was all his own doing, and Mera weep and yearn for one she was never sure if she would ever see again.  It was a beautiful think to see in my imagination but it was as I reached the halfway point and the playlist moved to Murielle that others began “speaking” to me.

Maybe I am crazy....

Such a beautiful picture isn’t it?  Well, I think so anyway…even with the filters added to it.  What can I say?  I’m no photographer.

However, it was at this juncture that Ria, Jane, Emily P., Rina, Faith, Charity, Naomi, Alexandria, Anne, Chrissy, Mysty, Emily C., Belle, Adelaide, and a slew of others came at me and I felt such a connection to those who have chosen to share their stories with me.  Many new voices, those who are just now beginning to trust me, whispered pieces of their lives to me that are soon to be put to paper.

Many people don’t truly understand what it means to be a writer, and I use that title very loosely for I’m simply an amateur and have, at this point, never been paid for my work.  I’ve seen the world as a writer since I was in quite possibly the seventh or eighth grade and I penned my first, incomplete, story.  I see the world differently than most people do, and at times it has become a very lonely experience.  (Though I’ll also attribute this to my INFJ personality)

But I realized on my walk, that while it may seem lonely, I know these voices in my head almost as well as I do my closest friends and family.  I’ve seen their childhoods, I know what makes them weak, and I know what makes them strong.  I’ve seen many of them fall in love, and some of them lose the ones they love the most.  I’ve heard their cries of sorrow and their cries of rage.  I almost can feel their pain when I fully let them speak and I’m typing as fast as I can, trying to keep up with their rapid fire storytelling.

I know that Faith feels she can never trust again, and Charity believes she’ll never let anyone get close enough to hurt her ever again.  I know how strong Lena is as she hides the marks from an abusive mother.  I’ve seen Issie cower in fear of her family and yet open her heart and let in a family that loves her more than she ever thought possible.  I’ve seen Adelaide, a princess by birth, flee the circumstances thrown at her and make a new life for herself and in doing so, help free her country from a tyrant she once called father.  I know that Murielle’s greatest desire is to be accepted for who she is, not for who she tries to become.  I also know that when it rains, Murielle has the potential to be the strongest half-elf on any side of the nine realms.

And these ladies are only in my head for a very brief time.  I finished Anne and Erik’s story about five years ago, and since then she has been very quiet.  She is very happy with her love and with her children, free from the worries of her childhood.  I try to get her to come out and play, but she, in her very Anne-polite way, says no.

Maybe I am crazy…  But then again so are you.  For just as you sit there and, quite possibly, wonder how anyone would choose to live a life like this, where their thoughts are never really their own.  But I sit here and think, why wouldn’t you want to live this life?  I’ve lived a thousand life times, and have had just as many heartaches as I have had romances.

I was once asked “Who is the real Deanna?” I’ve now come to the conclusion that even I don’t have an answer to that. Maybe there isn’t a real Deanna. Maybe I’m just a composite of a million different thoughts and ideas that are strung together on this beautiful journey of life and I’m to always be a mystery to others.

But you know what?  I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.  So, go ahead.  Lock me up.  Throw away the key.  I’ll have lived a life only few could have ever dreamed of.  And that…is all I need.

Much love, my fellow readers.

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Morning Musings

Alright.

So.

I had a bit of a realization this morning and felt it only appropriate to put it here.  It’s too long for the Book of Faces and I fear would get lost in the jumble of posts that happen on social media.  Not that this is something that I expect people to read, but it’s nice to be able to put down my thoughts without worrying how many “likes” or comments I’ll get.  Anyway, here we go.

Good morning!  My name is Deanna and I have trust issues.

There!  I said it!  You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard or would’ve taken me so long to realize it (and it has…we’re talking years here) but admitting the worst about ourselves is the first step to recovery.  Well, that’s what I’m told anyway.  Some flaws or defects about ourselves are things we’ll always have to deal with.  This is one of my “weaknesses” and it’s good to acknowledge it.

I wasn’t always this way.  In fact, I used to be a very easy going and friendly person.  Trusting people was so easy because I never had any doubt that people would turn out to be insensitive jerks who took everything for themselves leaving me behind to pick up broken pieces.  But that’s a rant for another day.

In the end, it’s forced me to see this.  Having trust issues is now the reason I keep everyone at an arm’s length.  This is not limited to strangers or acquaintances.  This includes family and close friends.   Libras, such as myself, are pictured as scales.  I can see the truth in this as I like to have a balanced life.  I don’t wish to bring unbalance to my life or to anyone’s life by bringing my own baggage to the scales, tipping them one way or another.

This doesn’t on any account make me an unloving or cruel person!!  I’ll carry on conversation (though don’t expect me to initiate…I’m an introvert), go out and do things, be positive and uplifting to people who are having bad days.  Just don’t expect me to come to you with my life story, my pain, my disappointment, my dreams, my hopes, or my love.  My heart is very well guarded, but there are times I will admit when several holes are made by outside forces and I run and hide as quickly as I possibly can.  I rebuild the walls, and wake up ready to start over again.

Is this exhausting?  In the beginning, most definitely.  But it takes thirty days to make a habit.  And it’s been well over thirty days.

But how can I ever expect to be married if you don’t trust people?

…..

………

………………………………………………………

Really?  Marriage is not the only goal in this life!  And maybe I’m saying this as a hardened bitter divorced lady, but who in their right mind would open themselves up to that sort of pain all over again?!  I gave my trust and my unconditional love to someone who was supposed to trust and unconditionally love me F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!  And look where it got me?  I’m not saying that there aren’t many blessings in my life since that December of 2014.  In fact, I’m probably happier now than I was during my entire relationship with him.  But love is like a bank account and eventually so many withdrawals are made (with no deposits entered) that the overdraft fees just stack up and there’s nooooooo way you’ll ever see a balanced account.  Unrequited affection, tear-filled nights, and just downright loneliness….I mean who could go through that again?!

Of course, I say this now but who knows what the Lord has planned for me in the upcoming years.  I might end up being single for the rest of my earthly days.  And believe me, roomie and I have a plan for that.  If both of us never get married, I’m buying a house and we’re going to be Spinster Sisters and I’ll finally have the dog I’ve always wanted, and we’ll decorate the house with a bunch of nerd/geek merch and we’ll have the life we want.

But who knows?  Maybe I will have that fairy tale Disney romantic ending, where the guy scales the walls I’ve built around my heart, sweeps me off my feet and carries me off into the sunset.  Where he’ll actually court me (and there are standards for that) and get to know my family.  He’ll see all the facets of me and learn all of my interests and the desires of my heart and not only will he accept them, but he’ll want to be a part of the things that I love.  Well, maybe not everything.  There are benefits in being a part and being independent of each other.  Just not too independent.

But let’s face it.  Life isn’t a fairy tale.  And someone who is actually going to take the time to see me requires patience.  And we live in a too fast paced world where instant gratification is the key to everything.  Like, if you make a huge purchase you’re supposed to save up the money for it…not use the credit card to get it now.  The same can be said in a relationship.  If you want the end goal (ring, house, family, etc.) it takes time.  It takes patience.  It takes trust.

Not including family, there are probably only 3 people that I could say I trust unconditionally.  That’s it.  Three.  Three wonderful friends who I know that I could call at any time and they’d be there for me.  They’d listen and listen and listen until I’d said all that I need to say.  But I’m also that type of introverted shy person who doesn’t like to burden people with my problems.  Those three ladies are people who I know if they ask “how are you?” they really mean that question.  Roomie is one of those friends, and she can tell from the instant I walk in the apartment that something is wrong.

So, how does all of this end?

It’s simple really.  My name is Deanna and I have trust issues.  That’s part of who I am.  It’s part of what makes me…well, me.  Someday I’ll meet someone who really forces me to put faith and trust in people again.  But it’s not this day.  At least not at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

Faith, Charity, Hope, and Mercy

Four beautiful sisters…each of them with lives that are filled with anything but. Well, at least in the beginning.

Four beautiful sisters…each of them with lives that are filled with anything but.  Well, at least in the beginning.

This series started out as part of my Personal Progress for church.  Faith’s story is the first and it’s still being worked on.  However, I find it hard to write her story when her sisters are trying to tell me theirs at the same time.  Charity’s is easily going to be intertwined with Faith’s because her book is next.  Hope’s story will follow with Mercy’s being the one to close out the series.

The purpose of these stories is to rehash out my own experiences with dating, marriage, and subsequent divorce while now trying to find my life and to see if it’s even possible for me to love again.  And before you say that everyone can find love and be happy and all that sentimental trash, lemme just say that you’ve not lived my life.

Faith (played by Stephanie Honore) – Well, her story deals with how I felt, and still feel, about my divorce.  I did what I was supposed to and, though the purpose of this life is to marry and have a family, look where that got me.  It’s bitter, but each of these girls is to feel something I’ve yet to truly feel and that’s complete happiness when it’s found with someone who completes you.

Charity (played by Daniela Denby-Ashe) – This story deals with what I went through in my marriage.  Hiding the parts of me that made me me and feeling as if I wasn’t living my life, while at the same time living in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship.  While Charity’s story also involves children, and mine did not, it will be about finding herself and rediscovering herself and the things she likes to do.  To realize that it’s okay to love things passionately and through them you find the people you’re meant to be with.

Hope (played by Katie Findlay) – She’s been very quiet and and I’ve not gotten her quite figured out yet.  I’m pretty sure she’s had to put her dreams on hold for her husband who’s practically carted her around the U.S. (or so she feels) and finally having to put her foot down and stand up for herself.  This is something I wished I’d done more often in my marriage as I am quite a push over.  However, she and her husband have to work together and it’s a lot about the struggles her husband faces as he realizes he has been unfair to his wife.

Mercy (played by Sophie Lowe) – Ahh, Mercy.  She’s the youngest of the four sisters and married right into her collegiate life.  She has such dreams about being a stay-at-home mother and having a husband spoil her but she quickly realizes that marriage is a chore and is work.  There are a few surprises that happen very quickly into their marriage and I’ve saved them specifically for the last book.

These are all Romance books that center around my life as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  In some way, all of these girls are a part of me and the men in their lives are things that I believe are good characteristics in a future husband.  Of course, everybody in the story has their failings but I think if you were take all of the good characteristics in each of them men and put them together…you’d have the perfect guy.