Maybe I am crazy…

And please, for the sake of what little sanity I possess, put the emphasis on *am.*

I took a walk tonight.  It’s not part of my evening routine, and in reality I was supposed to go to the gym, but I couldn’t bear the same monotony of the usual Monday night workout.  So, I put in my earbuds, locked the door, and did a leisure 3 mile walk.  The evening was, and is, very cool and the sun hadn’t really started its descent, and as I was walking, I had decided to play a character based playlist from my Spotify account.  For those of you who are a little unsure of what I mean, most of my characters have a specific genre or style of music associated with them, so when I want to channel a character, I put on their playlist and let the speak to me.  Tonight’s band of voices was Delia, Kaitlyn, Mera, and Murielle.

As I was walking along, listening to the playlist dedicated to the first three ladies, I was struck by something that will seem completely insane to most people.  Indeed, it feels pretty unnerving as well, when I think about it, but it is the truth.  I felt as if all of the voices in my head were walking alongside me, making a large body people who walked with me, as opposed to me being my usual solitary self.

It was strange.  I could almost see Delia reach for Cullen- now finally happy to have come home, Kailtyn put the dagger into her lover’s back only for her to scream in agony for it was all his own doing, and Mera weep and yearn for one she was never sure if she would ever see again.  It was a beautiful think to see in my imagination but it was as I reached the halfway point and the playlist moved to Murielle that others began “speaking” to me.

Maybe I am crazy....

Such a beautiful picture isn’t it?  Well, I think so anyway…even with the filters added to it.  What can I say?  I’m no photographer.

However, it was at this juncture that Ria, Jane, Emily P., Rina, Faith, Charity, Naomi, Alexandria, Anne, Chrissy, Mysty, Emily C., Belle, Adelaide, and a slew of others came at me and I felt such a connection to those who have chosen to share their stories with me.  Many new voices, those who are just now beginning to trust me, whispered pieces of their lives to me that are soon to be put to paper.

Many people don’t truly understand what it means to be a writer, and I use that title very loosely for I’m simply an amateur and have, at this point, never been paid for my work.  I’ve seen the world as a writer since I was in quite possibly the seventh or eighth grade and I penned my first, incomplete, story.  I see the world differently than most people do, and at times it has become a very lonely experience.  (Though I’ll also attribute this to my INFJ personality)

But I realized on my walk, that while it may seem lonely, I know these voices in my head almost as well as I do my closest friends and family.  I’ve seen their childhoods, I know what makes them weak, and I know what makes them strong.  I’ve seen many of them fall in love, and some of them lose the ones they love the most.  I’ve heard their cries of sorrow and their cries of rage.  I almost can feel their pain when I fully let them speak and I’m typing as fast as I can, trying to keep up with their rapid fire storytelling.

I know that Faith feels she can never trust again, and Charity believes she’ll never let anyone get close enough to hurt her ever again.  I know how strong Lena is as she hides the marks from an abusive mother.  I’ve seen Issie cower in fear of her family and yet open her heart and let in a family that loves her more than she ever thought possible.  I’ve seen Adelaide, a princess by birth, flee the circumstances thrown at her and make a new life for herself and in doing so, help free her country from a tyrant she once called father.  I know that Murielle’s greatest desire is to be accepted for who she is, not for who she tries to become.  I also know that when it rains, Murielle has the potential to be the strongest half-elf on any side of the nine realms.

And these ladies are only in my head for a very brief time.  I finished Anne and Erik’s story about five years ago, and since then she has been very quiet.  She is very happy with her love and with her children, free from the worries of her childhood.  I try to get her to come out and play, but she, in her very Anne-polite way, says no.

Maybe I am crazy…  But then again so are you.  For just as you sit there and, quite possibly, wonder how anyone would choose to live a life like this, where their thoughts are never really their own.  But I sit here and think, why wouldn’t you want to live this life?  I’ve lived a thousand life times, and have had just as many heartaches as I have had romances.

I was once asked “Who is the real Deanna?” I’ve now come to the conclusion that even I don’t have an answer to that. Maybe there isn’t a real Deanna. Maybe I’m just a composite of a million different thoughts and ideas that are strung together on this beautiful journey of life and I’m to always be a mystery to others.

But you know what?  I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.  So, go ahead.  Lock me up.  Throw away the key.  I’ll have lived a life only few could have ever dreamed of.  And that…is all I need.

Much love, my fellow readers.

Dee’s Dailies 8/29

I had a dream last night.  I saw something in that dream that I didn’t remember until about a half an hour after I’d woken up and was browsing through Facebook.  I saw 1 Corinthians 3:16.  Not that actual verse or anything in my dream, just the reference.  It wasn’t until browsing through Facebook and I saw the scripture posted on a friend’s timeline that I remembered I’d seen the reference.  The verse reads:

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?

Now, I’ve been praying for guidance recently.  I’ve been double checking and sometimes triple and quadruple checking with Heavenly Father to make sure that I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and being where I’m supposed to be.  I’m trying to make Institute and FHE (Family Home Evening) more of a priority in my life and to stop being a social recluse.

Seeing this scripture all of a sudden just gives me pause and cause to reevaluate my life, as we should do on a frequent basis.  I’m using this, hopefully in the correct way, as a sign to put more importance on my own personal journey as well as my social one as well.  To refocus my lens, as it were, on the endgame…on the eternal perspective.  So, I’m using this as a chance to recommit to my goals and new daily habits.  Let’s see what happens…shall we?

– Deanna

A New Goal

So, I was sitting at Institute last Thursday ( and for you non-LDS people the best definition I can give for Institute is that it’s a group Scripture study ) and I was asked “what is my dream job?”  Without any hesitation my first answer was to be a writer, followed closely by being an actress.  Shortly after the subject moved on to other things as more people arrived and attention was, thankfully, moved away from me but that question and my answer has plagued me since.

Now, I’ve loved writing and performing since I was little and they’ve always been passions but I’ve never once sought to go after them as any sort of a career.  My answer up until the last few years has been to be a teacher or a stay-at-home mother.  I’m not gonna lie, once I really thought about it, being a stay-at-home mother still holds one of the top slots of my dream job list.  It’s just that time and circumstance has forced that particular dream to the back burner for a while.

But that’s a sob story for another post (if ever).

Why haven’t I allowed myself to pursue my dream career?  I’ve become a teacher, of a sorts, and it is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience.  If I ever forget that, all I need to do is step into the Infant rooms…or Toddlers…or really any room that has kids.  🙂  I’ve been the Primary Music Leader, which has been my dream calling within the Church, and it allowed me to teach music to children.  You really can’t ask for a better calling than that.

I can’t just up and move to New York City, or show up at any open audition.  I don’t have that kind of courage.  So, I just share my love of the stage with others…however that presents itself.

But writing!  I’ve shared that creativity hundreds of times over.  It’s started as fanfiction and I’ve received many positive reviews for my work.  What little actual fiction I’ve written has been shared with one other person who seems to appreciate what I’ve written.  Now, I know that’s entirely different than if I’d send it off to a publisher or have an actual professional read my work.

But why not?  Why shouldn’t I complete a manuscript, have it edited and sent off to a publisher?  The worst that can happen is that they say no.  Actually, the worst that can happen is that I don’t follow my dreams.  Don’t get me wrong, I L-O-V-E my day job.  I’m working my way up through the company and getting more education to perform my job in a better capacity.  But I feel like there’s more of me to give.  Other ways I can teach and share my passions with others.

NaNoWriMo is coming up.  Come November 1st, my world changes for 30 beautiful and insane days.  I write 50,000 words in 30 days which averages to about 1,667 words per day.  This year, I’m going to make a goal with my novel.  I’m going to send it off to a publisher.  Maybe not this year, and maybe not next.  But I’m going to write this book with one purpose in mind.  So, that means that the next few months, October especially, will be dedicated to character building, world creating, and historical research.  I already a plot in mind and I’ll keep you all updated.  Promise!

So, here’s to a new goal and a chance to make one of many dreams come true.

– Deanna