OC-tober 10/15

Universe: Hadleigh of Varisvaara

OC: Hadleigh


“You’re going to catch a chill sitting next to that open window.”

Hadleigh looked up from her book on electrical manipulation to look at Reshnoa, her teacher, mentor and friend for the past twenty years.

“You’ve been saying that since the first time you caught me up here.  It’s not happened yet.”  She closed the book and looked out the open window.  The winter air was finally slipping down from the Northern Mountains and she tugged her shawl a little closer around her shoulders.

“Ah, but you enjoy tempting Fate.”  Reshnoa approached her and sat down on the window seat.  She easily pulled the book from Hadleigh’s long fingers.  “Doing a little reading before your journey?  You spent most of your life in these books, I didn’t think you’d need to read another word.”

The smile on Hadleigh’s face vanished and she felt hot tears burn her eyes.  She’d completed her training, despite her late arrival.  She was now deemed “able” to go out into the world and wouldn’t worry the world about being unable to control her abilities.

“The books are the closest thing I had to friends since I got here.  Not that anyone has been mean or anything, in truth everyone here has been so nice, and I’ve enjoyed  teaching the children as well.” She stopped, realizing that she was rambling.  She leaned her head back and rested it on the dark wood paneling.  The sun was beginning to set and eerie shadows were being thrown over the mountains.

“Your knowledge will serve you well in the coming days.  Where do you think you’ll go?”

“Varisvaara,” she answered without hesitation.  She smiled and touched the locket she wore around her neck.  “They won’t recognize me now and I think that place would be as good as any.”

“Your people were fairly against magic, if I recall.  It’s the reason you were sent here in the first place.”

The young mage rolled her eyes and waved her hand in dismissal of her mentor’s words.  “My step-mother didn’t approve of me mingling with her two daughters.  I’ll meet with the Viscount when I first arrive and let him know I’ve returned, but that’ll be it.”

Reshnoa smiled, seeing the determination in her young charge’s face.  “You’ll write to us when you’re settled?”

Hadleigh laughed.  “Of course.”  She embraced her teacher, tears shining in her eyes.  She did have her own reasons for going home, but she was going to miss the life she’d built for herself here.  She’d been free and able to live as she pleased.  No one had judged her.  No one had questioned her.  It was going to be hard to leave all of this….but she had to.

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OC-tober 10/14

Universe:  The Prince’s Flowe(an original work by yours truly)

OC: Prince Daniel, The King, Ms. Ivy, and Caroline


“Father? Who is that girl out there?” Prince Daniel looked out his window to see a girl with unruly red hair walking through the a small garden with someone who could only be presumed as the governess.

“That is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Abrams. I believe her name is Caroline.” The king smiled at the young girl who couldn’t be a day over eight for she was quite petite.

“Why didn’t we get to see her?” Daniel looked at his father with curious eyes. “I thought I was supposed to see all of the families? I’ve seen everyone else’s children.”

Henry tried to supress a smile but failed. “Well, they were all closer to your own age. You’re fifteen, Daniel…some archaic families believe that’s close to marrying age.”

Daniel’s face turned to one of disgust. “That’s ridiculous, Dad.”

“That may be so, but it is still true. Would you like Carson to stop the car so that you can see her?”

The young prince thought for a minute and then nodded. “I can’t see the harm in it.”

The car was instantly stopped and the young prince stepped out of the car making his way to the pair in the garden. He didn’t know what possessed him to meet the girl, perhaps it came from the desire to talk with someone who was younger than him as opposed to older or nearer his own age.

“Ms. Ivy? What is this called?” The child had picked up a flower and held it up for her companion to see.

“That is called a daffodil, Caroline. They are meant to represent faith, honesty, and truth. They are vigiliant for they come every spring, even after the harshest of winters.” The governess had knelt down next to Caroline and helped her examine the petals, the color, as well as the stem.

Caroline laughed and turned around to pick another flower when she spotted him. “Ms. Ivy…” she whispered, pointing to Prince Daniel.

The governess looked up and smiled at the prince. She stood up and dropped a respectable curtsy before turning her attention to Caroline. “It’s rude to point, child.” She whispered something in her ear before pushing the little girl forward. She walked towards him and then dropped a curtsy of her own.

“Hello, Your Highness. I’m pleased to meet you.”

The prince bowed as well finding her to be quite intriguing. “You must be Caroline, right?”

The little girl nodded. “Yes Your Highness. This is my governess Ms. Ivy.” Caroline looked back at her teacher. “We’ve been having a science lesson, Your Highness.”

“I see. What have you been learning about?” Prince Daniel situated himself on one of the garden benches.

“Flowers today. Ms. Ivy has been teaching me about how flowers grow and what flowers mean.”

“What’s been your favorite so far?”

The young girl’s face became one of pure concentration. “I guess they’re all my favorite because they are all so pretty.” She giggled and did a little dance.

“What about you? Do you have a favorite?”

In truth, Prince Daniel did and he wondered if this garden would have one. “It would have to be purple lilac.”

“We have those over here, Your Highness.” Ms. Ivy gestured to the flowers he had just mentioned.

The young monarch smiled and rose to his feet allowing the ten year old to guide him along. “Why are they your favorite?” She asked as she knelt down to look at the purple blossoms.

“It too is a symbol of spring.” He plucked a blossom and handed it to the young girl. “They represent a…beginning of sorts.”

Caroline looked at him in confusion and Prince Daniel apologized. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good with explaning things.”
The child nodded and smiled. “Don’t push yourself,” she said, looking up at him. “That’s what Ms. Ivy always says. I get very excited sometimes and want to say everything I want at once and nothing sensible comes out.” She stood up and brushed the dirt off her dress and held the purple flowers closer to her heart.

The prince chuckled and rose to his feet. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Caroline.”

She nodded and dropped a curtsy. “And you, Your Highness. You’ll make a great king someday.”

Caroline watched as the prince bowed to her and to her governess. He made his way back to his car and they drove out of sight. “I never expected to see the Prince today, Ms. Ivy!”

“Yes…quite unexpected.”

Caroline looked down at the purple lilac in her hands. “I think I’m ready to continue my lessons now, Ms. Ivy. I have a lot of learning to do.”

“Really? What are you preparing for?”

Caroline smiled and pressed the flowers to her cheek. “I’m going to marry a prince one day, Ms. Ivy!”

OC-tober 10/13

Universe: Where Phantoms Sleep (an Harry Potter RPG website dedicated to a universe filled with post Golden Trio characters.  Find another character from that website here.)

OC: Ismene Daria Muse Crest Benedict

Note: Taken from 7th year not long after they returned from winter holiday.  That would make Ismene roughly 20?  21?  I think….


How do you tell a person that you had once loved that you’re sorry?

It was a question that Ismene had written down in her journal many times but had never actually finished answering.  Most often, she wasn’t ready to answer that question so she’d just scribbled it out and wrote about something else.  Usually the weather, or exams, or what she ate that day.  Despite the fact that the latter always brought good remarks from Ismene’s doctor, it soon became apparent that Ismene was intentionally avoiding the elephant in the room.

And in all honesty, how did she tell Sabriel that she was sorry?  Actually “sorry” was a poor word for what she truly felt after the whole debacle of last term.  Would she ever really get to talk to him about it?  Madame Waffle certainly didn’t think now was the time, but she encouraged Ismene to write down ideas or thoughts about the matter as they came to her and they’d discuss them when her meetings came.

She couldn’t start with justifying herself, that would be wrong.  However her father and siblings treated her, it gave her no right to always paint people with the same brush.  But her development years had been fueled with that kind of life, of wanting to be loved only to be shunned over a choice she had no say in.

“Personally, I can’t say I’m sorry and yes that does sound shallow and clings to those Slytherin tendencies which I’ve tried to purge from my system.”  Ismene stared out at her curtains, trying to find away to answer the question aloud hoping it would inspire her.

“But let’s face the facts.  You were right and I was wrong.  Heaven help us all a Gryffindor was wrong.  We can’t get any deeper into it than that at the current moment because everyone’s afraid I’m going to go off the deep end at any moment.”  She swung her legs over the side of her bed and began pacing the dormitory.

“But I am sorry for being such a witch to you last term and for not listening to you and for choosing to stay away when I finally learned the truth and for calling you a liar and several other things that I dare not repeat in polite company.”

She took a breath and thought for  a moment.  That’s a lot of “I’s, Miss Crest.  Ismene could almost here Madame Waffle talking to her.  Could she really lay blame at his door?  Could she?  Should she?  She took another look around.  No one was here.  If Sabriel was here, what would she say?

“You never listened,” Ismene said aloud, finding strange comfort that it had actually been spoken.  “I tried to come to you with my concerns about you teaching her and it fell on deaf ears.  Later, I tried to apologize.  I came after you several times, but each time you just turned me away and didn’t bother to listen, let alone see me!”  Ismene had begun pacing the floor ranting off half-truths and lies that she knew she’d never say to him, but it felt good to lay the blame at someone else’s door for once.

“And furthermore…!”  She whirled around and had her finger pointed as if she was actually addressing someone, and she stopped in her tracks.  Shiloh, one of her dormmates, was standing there in the doorway.

“Um…am I interrupting?”  The blonde haired girl looked around the room, checking to see if anyone else was in the room.

Ismene blushed scarlet before falling backwards on her bed, sighing in frustration.

OC-tober 10/12

Universe: Belle – A Beauty and the Beast Retelling (an original work by yours truly)

OC: Isabella


Isabella ran a gloved hand along the ivory keys, pressing firmly on a few so that the soft notes would echo in the stillness.  Mother had played…many years ago, when they still had the piano.  The sound had always brought comfort and peace to the usual racket caused by the consequence of having six children now quite grown up.  But with their financial ruin, the instrument was sold and now Isabella could barely picture the sound of a piano much less the memory of her mother playing it.

She’d never learned to play well enough to perform for polite society but she played well enough for her own amusement.  For a moment she wondered if she even remembered any of what she’d been taught.  But that was a question for another day.  Now, there was dinner, for the hour of seven drew near.  A Beast was not something to be kept waiting.  At least, not if she wished to keep her life.

Even as she made her way to the dining hall by traveling through a maze of dimly lit corridors, Isabella couldn’t help but wonder if this was to be her fate.  Allowed to do as she pleased day in and day out only to be summoned when the Master of the household saw fit.  Such a fate was one she’d abhorred for as long as she could remember.  She swore to herself she’d never live such a life, especially when Antonio had made his ridiculous offer of marriage.

But then, none of this was really her choice…or at least a choice that she had any say in.  A cruel and viscious  monster had terrorized her father and had forced her to make sure that her family didn’t lose the head of their household.  Father was good to them all, despite her siblings inability to recognize it.  Granted, Frederick and Robert were coming around to the idea but Adele and Felicia refused to accept their fate.  They’d rather have the fine gowns and sparkling jewels and be fawned over by all of high society than realize that those that they wished would notice them, saw the as dirt and refuse.

Isabella sighed and paused in front of a door that she hoped led to the dining room.  She had no recollection of how she arrived here, and could only assume that the magical castle took care of that itself.  She raised her hand to the door handle only to find that the door swung open of its own accord.  Magic, she thought to herself.  A few more days of this and I shall scarcely remember how to open a door!

OC-tober 10/11

Universe: Harry Potter – Where Phantoms Sleep (an RPG website that me and a close friend just go a little bit crazy with the post-Golden Trio fandom)

OC: Selene Celeste (her mother was entirely unimaginative when she picked out the name)


Selene stared at the letter in her hands, trying to focus on the words on the page, despite how much her hands shook.  It was impossible for anyone to imagine that during her third year at Hogwarts, when she’d started taking Magical Studies to spite her pureblooded parents, that she’d be doing this.  Professor Scott had encouraged them in their fifth year to have a Muggle pen pal and Selene had readily agreed.  For the past two years they’d kept a constant correspondence, despite Samantha’s confusion at not writing via texts or e-mail…whatever that meant, and a plan had hatched in Selene’s mind close to the end of her sixth year.

Now, after working and saving at a job that she had come to enjoy, and doing all of the research as slyly as she could, and after receiving confirmation from Sammy…everything was ready.  Within a week, she’d be on her way to America and no one would be the wiser!  She’d been so careful, kept all of her letters hidden away, managed to convince her parents that the money she was saving was so she could be more independent when she got married…and somehow managed to convince Leo that she had come to care for him in some small degree.

Leo.

He was her one small regret in all of this.  The arranged marriage, which had sickened Selene since she had first heard about it 11 years ago, was reaching its final climactic point, ever since Leo had officially proposed a week ago.  If she’d followed her parents’ upbringing, the proposal was everything she would have wanted, but she didn’t want it.  She wanted to be free.  To live her own life.  And she did like Leo.  He wasn’t viscous and wouldn’t leave the marks that her mother did.  He was interested in her life, unlike her rarely attending father.  He would make someone a great husband…someone who wasn’t her.

She stuffed the letter in the hidden box under the floor boards, reapplying the magical wards, being careful not to mess up her hair and nails.  She was taking her wedding shoot photos today, so Leo would see her in wedding gown, but her mother wanted this out of the way so that they could devote more time to the family the day of the wedding. It would also allow Selene and Leo time together.

A knock sounded at her door and her mother angrily announced that she was keeping everyone waiting.  Selene sighed and slowly stood back up, running her hands down the satin material of her dress.  She just had to keep her stoic face and disinterested manner going for just a few more days.  And then, her life would really begin.

OC-tober 10/10

Universe:  The Phantom of the Opera (a 2nd POTO fanfic titled: The True Angel)

OC: Mysty (Play by – Nastya Zhidkova)

Note: Considering POTO turned 30 yesterday, I thought this would be fitting.


“Oh, Mysty you cannot be serious!”  Christine begged of her friend.

Mysty turned the stem of her wineglass in her fingertips, staring into the red liquid as if it could whisper secrets to her.  How could she explain that after nine years of practically raising Gustave, seeing Raoul nearly run the family into ruin, and watching Christine regret a decision she made a decade ago…she had to leave?  The pain of this house, despite the little Vicomte’s rambunctious behavior, was too much.  She still walked by the Opera House on a daily basis which didn’t help matters.  Mysty herself still carried a torch for one who could never be hers, and it was impossible to know where Madame Giry had sent him.

“I’m afraid it’s time for me to find my own life, Christine.”  Mysty sat the glass down, not bothering to sip the liquid.  “I’ve trespassed here long enough.”

“But who will look after Gustave?”  Christine pleaded, as if trying to find someway to convince her friend to stay.

“I’ll help you find an adequate replacement.  But in a month I’m leaving.”  She tried to keep her tone resolute and free from the resentment she held towards Christine that, while she did love her son, she didn’t give him the attention he deserved.  That was Mysty’s doing.

“Where will you go?”  The question came from Raoul who had finished several glasses of wine before the third course had been brought out.

“America,” she replied, holding her ground.  The cries from Christine were filled with shock and hurt but she couldn’t waver.  Paris held too much pain and she had to move on or forever live in the past.  “There’s apparently a place, Coney Island, which is perfect for someone like me.”  She fingered her white locks, secured back with a dark red ribbon.  It matched the red gown she wore perfectly.

She could see that Raoul wasn’t going to argue but Christine was going to take some convincing.  That would happen before the month was over.  But first, she had someone far more important to talk to.

“If you’ll excuse me, the little Vicomte and I need to have a talk.”  She quickly rose from the table, not taking offence when Raoul didn’t stand, and exited the dining room.  As she walked away from the room and made her way towards the stairs, she could hear Christine pleading with Raoul to find a way to make their long-time friend stay.  But it was no use.  Mysty had made up her mind and it was long past time to go and she needed her independence again.  Frederick had left her a nice sum after his death, despite the fact that their marriage had been so short.  That had been in a bank gaining interest as she had excepted payment from the de Chagny’s for looking after Gustave and she had worked for the Opera Populaire before the fire.  So, she wold be able to live quite nicely in America as her needs were always modest.

But it was Gustave that she would miss.  She hated leaving him, fearing that in the end he’d see her departure as something he had done.  He was the bright light in her universe and she loved him unconditionally seeing so much in him.  She’d been his playmate, nurse, friend, and teacher over the course of his few years and she hated that attachment to come to an end.  But it had to.  Her heart had yet to fully heal after Erik and staying would only serve as a reminder.

She opened the little boy’s room, finding him asleep in a chair curled up with his favorite book.  She walked over to him, and picked him up.  He instantly turned to her and she sat down in the rocking chair.  The news could wait til morning.  For now, she was content to hold him and wish for a life she feared she would never have.  A love that would never be hers.

OC-tober 10/9

Universe:  Once Upon A Time (yep! another fanfiction!)

OC: Katarina Adara Thusia (I had a fascination for the letter “A” apparently.  But in all honesty her name translates to “pure, beautiful, sacrifice.” Very fitting concerning her story.)


“You must understand what you are asking, child.”

Kate looked up from the pool of water to stare at the aged God before her.  Chronos very rarely let anyone view the great expanse of time, and even more rare was anyone allowed to follow a certain person’s path.  But he had called to her and she had followed.  She needed to know what happened to the man that she loved, despite the fact that she knew it would result in his death.  What caused her great surprise was that he didn’t die.  He lived for an expanse of well over 300 years but those centuries could hardly be called a life.  The reality she’d seen before her would lead to the destruction of a mighty people and the great gift they’d been given.

Chronos had warned her before the question had even left her lips.  She’d seen the turning point and the reality of what caused the man she loved to start down a dangerous path.  Even though correcting the path would still result in her not being in his life…it had to be done.  And there were consequences.  Meddling with time could have disastrous effects if left to misuse.  But it was possible wasn’t it?  She could approach Zeus with what she’d seen and make a case for her to return to the land of mortals…even if for a time.  But Zeus would ask for something in return.  The proposed arranged marriage nipped at the back of her mind and she sighed.  It was the only thing she could offer…but if her plan worked out she could easily spend the rest of eternity serving Persephone then married to God who would never make her happy.

“I cannot see what would happen, can I?”  She looked at the aged deity.  It was hard to gauge his age but she’d heard that it was well into the thousands.  He didn’t appear fragile…more like wise, with his long white hair and beard and his dark blue Grecian robes.

He shook his head and waved a hand over the pool of water she’d been staring into.  She said a mental goodbye to the brown eyes she’d fell in love with as the man before her disappeared from view.

“I can say that your plan, while admirable, will have consequences.”

“I’m changing time, Chronos.”  Kate rose to her feet, and dusted off her white gown, the bangles around her wrist jingling in the silence.  “Of course there will be consequences.  But I cannot let the mortals below us destroy themselves in such senseless chaos.”

The clouds of grey parted behind her and she could see the familiar grounds of Mount Helicon beckoning to her.  The green lands were lush and covered with small flowers.  The mountains in the distance looked purple and were framed with fluffy clouds and backed with a clear blue sky.

“Tread carefully, Katarina.  Your destiny was decided long ago.  To tempt the Fates…”

“I understand,” Kate whispered, when it was clear Chronos wasn’t going to finish his warning.  She stepped through the portal, her feet landing on the cool grass and the warm breeze caressing her skin.  She turned slightly, and cast one final look a the one of the most powerful Gods in all of Olympus.  He raised his hand in a parting gesture which she returned.  As soon as he had disappeared from view, she knelt to the ground.  Her mind was frantic with ideas for how she could save those people.  But despite all of her planning, and all of her worrying, there was one name and one thought that never left her.

“Rumpelstiltskin,” she whispered, raising her head to stare out to the horizon.  She wanted to laugh.  She wanted to cry.  She wanted to run and shout for joy because she’d finally done it.  She’d finally found a way.  “I’m coming.  I’m coming back for you.”

OC-tober 10/8

Universe: Labyrinth

Pairing: OC/Jareth

OC: Emily


Emily stood beneath a black umbrella watching as her beloved mother was slowly lowered into the dark cold earth. The rain fell heavily and it disguised the tears that fell unchecked down her face. The priest said a few words about how life did not end with death, but it all fell unheard on her. All she could think about was how she would never see her mother’s smiling face, or hear her laugh echoing through their home. Sarah, the newest addition to the household, let out an ear piercing scream and Emily rolled her eyes. Leave it to now for the baby to make herself known and to have all the attention turned on her. She’d been doing that since the day she was born, almost a year ago.

Father tried to shush the baby but it was obvious that she was having none of it. Emily clutched a story that her mother had always read to her when she’d had a particular bad day. It was entitled Labyrinth and a certain phrase came to mind as Emily gave her sister a hard stare. Not that the baby would have any recollection of this in five minutes, but it did give her some sort of satisfaction.

The mourners soon left, and Father went about putting Sarah into her car seat. Emily just stood there, staring at her mother’s grave. She’d been killed in an auto accident and she felt cheated and wronged at not being able to say goodbye. She took her time doing so, despite the fact that she was being ushered into the car and driven away. She said nothing to her father during the car ride home, or when she reached the sanctity of her bedroom. Not even bothering to take off her black dress, she climbed up into her bed and opened up Labyrinth to her favorite part.

“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City. To take back the child that you have stolen. Though my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is as great…” A clap of thunder sounded and the lights in her room flickered. She shrieked and dove under her covers. She closed her eyes, the last sentence falling from her lips as pure memory as opposed to anything else. “You have no power over me.”

A resounding knock came from her door. “Em, I’m going out back for a few minutes. Sarah is down for a nap, but if she needs anything just come and get me.”

Emily chose not to answer. What was she, some babysitter? Instead, she went back to reading, and started the book over. Memories of late nights sitting up with her mother as they read this came back afresh and tears pricked her eyes. She looked up and gave her room a once over. She and her mother had redecorated this room when they had gotten the news that there would be a new addition to the family. Mother hadn’t wanted her to feel excluded and had wanted her to know how much she still loved her. The room was painted a soft blue, and gave off the impression that a young lady lived in here. Everything was classic looking from the elegant furniture to the clothes that hung in the closet.

Sarah’s crying interrupted Emily’s perusal of her room and she grimaced. Of course she’d wake up when Emily wanted some alone time. But she was not going to get up and take care of her. That wasn’t her responsibility. Come to think of it, it would have all been better if Sarah had never been born. If she’d not been born, she wouldn’t have gotten sick last week, and then Mama would not have needed to go to the pharmacy to get medicine and she wouldn’t have died in that accident.

Feeling tired from all of her own tears, Emily laid down and closed her eyes. Sarah’s crying could still be heard but just before sleep took her, she said only one thing. “I wish the goblins wouldcome and take you away…right now.”


Emily sat up in her bed and whipped the covers off. She ran down the hall to the master bedroom where Sarah’s crib was. Her heart raced as she flipped on the light and threw back the covers. There Sarah was, sleeping quietly as if nothing had happened. Emily fell to her knees wondering what exactly had happened. There was no way that any of that could have been real. Could it? The Goblin King, the Bog of Stench…it was all just a vivid dream brought on by the memory of her mother and that story she had been reading. Right?

Fitness Friday 10/7

Week 7 – Day One

This week we’re going to be talking a different type of fitness, but before that..a quick recap.

Alright.  We’re going to be honest and straight forward with this.  I’ve hit one of those moments which usually occurs during a weight loss journey.  I just don’t care.  Like…I didn’t care for a week and when you weigh in, that shows.  So, now I have to make up for that this week.  This is going to be interesting since I’m going on vacation.  However, I have complete control for this vacation.  We’re all taking our own food.  So, I’m stocked with fresh fruits and sandwich fixings and things that I can portion out.  We’re eating out maybe three times and we’ll do lots of walking.  So, all in all, I think I can recover some ground.  OH!  I’ll also have root canal on Thursday (yay?) so that means I won’t be able to eat at all the day before next week’s weigh in.

Now, about this I don’t care thing. Let’s take a look at that.  I was in the one-year-old room last week, and it didn’t really have an effect on me but last Thursday did.  Let me just say that places where I have to actually interact with people leads to a very emotional and stressed out Deanna who ended up crying the whole way home.  Now, there was lots that went into that.  Self-doubt…plenty of self-pity.  There were questions that still have no answers.  Or maybe I did receive my answer and I’m trying to make my piece with it.  Like, I really feel like the answer to my “am I ever going to get remarried” question is a simple and resounding “No.”  But I can’t tell if that’s a “not right now,” “not in this lifetime,” or “not ever,” kind of response.  But I also can’t tell if that’s an answer from Heavenly Father because that sort of “no” answer is then flooded with reasons why, and let’s just say that none of them are pretty.  They’re horrible dark thoughts that if I wasn’t a stronger person, and didn’t have the wonderful support group of friends that I do, I would have a very different life right now…if I even had one at all.

Thursday was definitely a cry the whole way home, hop in shower and cry more, go to bed and cry more kind of night and it just effected my whole week.  And don’t get me started on General Conference.  While I love to hear the Church leaders address us, it’s also a very hard time for me.  My first Conference (7 years ago) was such a wonderful experience and I cried happy tears the whole way through.  Some of those Conference talks are just painful to listen to and I don’t feel the joy like I used to.  I feel very lost and like I’m going through the motions of life.  At the very least I try to magnify my calling, and attend Church meetings and Institute regularly.  I try to be attentive and to listen and to surround myself with good people, but there’s a change when I’m away from it all.

I feel alone.  Like the doors of Heaven are just closed and my prayers and pleadings just bounce off the gates, unnoticed, unseen and unheard.  Granted, this isn’t the first time this is happened nor will it be the last.

I approached the Roomie with some of this a couple of days ago, wondering why I feel this way.  She could’ve totally came at me with the usual responses that are centered around prayer and scripture study.  But she forced me to realize that I’m still healing.  For too long, I allowed myself to be emotionally shattered until I’m now so twisted inside that the only way to undo the knot is to break it.  I can’t give my opinion because I’m so used to being looked like I’m a crazy person who should never open her mouth.  (Though I will admit, I do have my crazy moments but those don’t count here.)  I don’t ask for help, because I was forced to learn how to help myself because the one person who was to walk beside me chose not to.

People want me to open up.  To find love again.  To trust.  To believe.  But they have no idea how hard it is, or how emotionally draining it is.  There’s no way I could ever allow myself to go through all of that all over again.  It’s ridiculous to expect me to break down all of the walls I’ve carefully built over the past 5 years.  You heard me…5.  That time includes the 3 1/2 year catastrophe of a marriage.  To trust another person with my heart?  No way!  That’s insane!  Roomie and I have decided that both of us never get married, I’m gonna buy a house and we’re going to be Spinster Sisters.  We’ll have our flower garden, cats, I’ll finally get that dog, and just be a couple of Geeks in our Crossroads of Fandoms house.

*takes a breath*

Alright, so that is pretty much been the mentality of last Thursday through I think Wednesday.  So about week . Yesterday was also my 28th birthday so I’m feeling the effects of that.  So how is this going to change this week.  Honestly?  It probably isn’t.  Nor the week after that.  Or the week after that.  This isn’t something that’s going away anytime soon, and truly it may not ever.  I’ll heal, eventually.  But those scars will always be there.  Maybe the memory will fade in time.  Maybe I’ll be the type of person Heavenly Father wants me to be.  But until then, I’ll live vicariously through the voices in my head and hide in my corner with a good book.

Love,

Deanna

P.S.  For a look at Kristen’s progress click here.

OC-tober 10/7

Universe:  The Phantom of the Opera (excerpt from my fanfiction titled She Walks in Beauty Like the Night)

OC: Anastasia Hillcrest – scene starts with our heroine Anne

Fanart Credit: Dralamy


erik-anne

“There’s a story that my mother used to read to me. Two women fought over a baby and they were brought before a great king. Both women swore that they were the child’s mother and that the other woman was lying. So, the king looked to one of his guards and ordered him to take a knife and to cut the child in half, giving one half to each woman. Before the blade could be lowered, however, the woman who was truly the child’s mother begged the king to give the child to the other woman so that no harm would come to it. The king then gave the child to the woman who begged that the life of the child to be shared for he knew that she was the child’s mother.”

“And what does that lovely little story have to do with my situation?” Christine’s eyes blazed fire and her words were dangerously quiet.

“The Phantom saw that he and Raoul were constantly fighting over you and that it was hurting you in the process. You were not happy. He loved you the most by letting you go so that you could be happy. He couldn’t bear to let you constantly be pulled in two.”
It happened so quick that I couldn’t even prepare for it. Christine had raised a hand and had soundly slapped me across the face. As I couldn’t brace myself for it, I ended up losing my balance and falling on the floor.

“How dare you say such a thing to me!” I had not anticipated her anger, but she knelt down, grabbed my upper arms and tried to shake me. “How dare you! You know nothing! Do you hear me?! Nothing!”

“Madame, I think it’s best if you leave now before I have you forcibly removed from the premises.” Aunt Giry’s came from out of nowhere and I was grateful. Christine hadn’t scared me, but I was scared for her as I was quite sure that Erik was watching.
Christine stood up and glared down at me. “I never want to see you again,” she whispered furiously. She turned and walked away. I felt Meg’s reassuring arms help me up and she pushed my hair back. “There’s a cut, Anne,” she whispered, tears rising in her eyes.

I gently pushed her hands away. “I’ll be okay.”

“He’ll be furious if he sees it. Let’s go put a cloth on it.” She turned me around to guide me off stage and I turned slightly to look up at Box 5. Erik was standing there, glaring at me, his hands tight on the railing. And then, he was gone.