Maybe I am crazy…

And please, for the sake of what little sanity I possess, put the emphasis on *am.*

I took a walk tonight.  It’s not part of my evening routine, and in reality I was supposed to go to the gym, but I couldn’t bear the same monotony of the usual Monday night workout.  So, I put in my earbuds, locked the door, and did a leisure 3 mile walk.  The evening was, and is, very cool and the sun hadn’t really started its descent, and as I was walking, I had decided to play a character based playlist from my Spotify account.  For those of you who are a little unsure of what I mean, most of my characters have a specific genre or style of music associated with them, so when I want to channel a character, I put on their playlist and let the speak to me.  Tonight’s band of voices was Delia, Kaitlyn, Mera, and Murielle.

As I was walking along, listening to the playlist dedicated to the first three ladies, I was struck by something that will seem completely insane to most people.  Indeed, it feels pretty unnerving as well, when I think about it, but it is the truth.  I felt as if all of the voices in my head were walking alongside me, making a large body people who walked with me, as opposed to me being my usual solitary self.

It was strange.  I could almost see Delia reach for Cullen- now finally happy to have come home, Kailtyn put the dagger into her lover’s back only for her to scream in agony for it was all his own doing, and Mera weep and yearn for one she was never sure if she would ever see again.  It was a beautiful think to see in my imagination but it was as I reached the halfway point and the playlist moved to Murielle that others began “speaking” to me.

Maybe I am crazy....

Such a beautiful picture isn’t it?  Well, I think so anyway…even with the filters added to it.  What can I say?  I’m no photographer.

However, it was at this juncture that Ria, Jane, Emily P., Rina, Faith, Charity, Naomi, Alexandria, Anne, Chrissy, Mysty, Emily C., Belle, Adelaide, and a slew of others came at me and I felt such a connection to those who have chosen to share their stories with me.  Many new voices, those who are just now beginning to trust me, whispered pieces of their lives to me that are soon to be put to paper.

Many people don’t truly understand what it means to be a writer, and I use that title very loosely for I’m simply an amateur and have, at this point, never been paid for my work.  I’ve seen the world as a writer since I was in quite possibly the seventh or eighth grade and I penned my first, incomplete, story.  I see the world differently than most people do, and at times it has become a very lonely experience.  (Though I’ll also attribute this to my INFJ personality)

But I realized on my walk, that while it may seem lonely, I know these voices in my head almost as well as I do my closest friends and family.  I’ve seen their childhoods, I know what makes them weak, and I know what makes them strong.  I’ve seen many of them fall in love, and some of them lose the ones they love the most.  I’ve heard their cries of sorrow and their cries of rage.  I almost can feel their pain when I fully let them speak and I’m typing as fast as I can, trying to keep up with their rapid fire storytelling.

I know that Faith feels she can never trust again, and Charity believes she’ll never let anyone get close enough to hurt her ever again.  I know how strong Lena is as she hides the marks from an abusive mother.  I’ve seen Issie cower in fear of her family and yet open her heart and let in a family that loves her more than she ever thought possible.  I’ve seen Adelaide, a princess by birth, flee the circumstances thrown at her and make a new life for herself and in doing so, help free her country from a tyrant she once called father.  I know that Murielle’s greatest desire is to be accepted for who she is, not for who she tries to become.  I also know that when it rains, Murielle has the potential to be the strongest half-elf on any side of the nine realms.

And these ladies are only in my head for a very brief time.  I finished Anne and Erik’s story about five years ago, and since then she has been very quiet.  She is very happy with her love and with her children, free from the worries of her childhood.  I try to get her to come out and play, but she, in her very Anne-polite way, says no.

Maybe I am crazy…  But then again so are you.  For just as you sit there and, quite possibly, wonder how anyone would choose to live a life like this, where their thoughts are never really their own.  But I sit here and think, why wouldn’t you want to live this life?  I’ve lived a thousand life times, and have had just as many heartaches as I have had romances.

I was once asked “Who is the real Deanna?” I’ve now come to the conclusion that even I don’t have an answer to that. Maybe there isn’t a real Deanna. Maybe I’m just a composite of a million different thoughts and ideas that are strung together on this beautiful journey of life and I’m to always be a mystery to others.

But you know what?  I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.  So, go ahead.  Lock me up.  Throw away the key.  I’ll have lived a life only few could have ever dreamed of.  And that…is all I need.

Much love, my fellow readers.


Delia comforts Mera

~I’ve been wanting to actually put this to “paper” for a while, and just figured it would be good to put down a rough draft.  I’ve been stifled, creatively, recently but this has been ever present in my mind for a while.  These are late night dabbling with my Warden-Commander Delia Amell and Inquisitor Mera Lavellan.  Set post Trespasser DLC.  OC’s are mine.  Canon?  Not so much.  Though there are quite a few headcanons and ships in here.  Have fun!

Spoiler alert – Major spoilers for ending of Dragon Age Inquisition and Trespasser DLC.  Well, probably for all of the Dragon Age games.  Read at your own risk! It is also a rough draft, and continuity has not been solidified.  ~

Setting: Skyhold, 9:44 Dragon

It had rained for two weeks straight and, while many knew that the Inquisitor had no influence over the elements in such a way, most of the Keep felt that the events of the past month had been the reason for the downpour.  Despite many attempts to rally Mera’s spirits, the elven Inquisitor kept to her room when it was not necessary for her to act in any official capacity.  Even Dorian, who was known to be Mera’s closest friend, was unable to give her comfort, and they spoke nearly every day.

It was for such a reason as this that the Hero of Fereldan found herself making her way to the Inquisitor’s room.  Though she probably didn’t have the right words to say, there was a thing or two she could say that could help the situation.  They were words she’d said to her cousin Kaitlyn, the Champion of Kirkwall, and had been offered to her by Zevran when she’d face the worst after the Blight was ended.

You think it’ll help,” Cullen had asked, before she’d left him in his office.

Maybe not right now,” Delia had replied, accepting the kiss he offered.  “But it will, hopefully, prove to be a foundation for when she finally accepts the truth herself.

“What are you going to say to her?”

She hadn’t responded.  In truth, she didn’t think she’d be brave enough to tell Cullen the things that had happened after Denerim.  She fingered the white ribbon tied across her left wrist and felt tears prick her eyes.  She didn’t want to see the hatred in his eyes again.  If it nearly killed her the first time.

“Mera?”  Delia called, up the stairwell, hoping that the Inquisitor would be awake.

“Up here!”  Was the response.

With a sigh, the mage Warden slowly climbed the stairs, finding the elf mage sitting in a large chair next to the fire.  Delia had seen that look before.  She’d felt exactly what Mera was feeling.  Kaitlyn had felt that too.  It was that feeling that everything you’d fought for was in vain.  That you no longer mattered.  That everything you wanted was taken from you and you were left with nothing, just an empty shell of the person you once were.

In a way, that was more true for Mera, who, by the time Delia had reached the top of the stairs, had suddenly became very interested in the new arm Dagna had made for her.  Delia smiled at her own first memory of the dwarf from Orzammar.  Dagna had been so fully of energy and had been very enthusiastic about learning.  Delia was glad she’d been able to send Dagna to the Circle, even more so that she learned so much and was to help the Inquisition in the way that she had.

“Josephine said you hadn’t eaten since yesterday,” Delia offered, setting down a tray laden with food and tea.  “I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty.”

Mera was silent, which Delia was expecting.  Nothing was going to happen unless Delia spoke first.  So, the older mage sat poured herself a hot cup of tea and settled down in front of the fire place.  Many of her favorite stories told during her travels happened near a fire much like this one, granted it wasn’t in a fireplace.  Delia couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept in such extravagant living arrangements.  The room she’d been given was an act of hospitality she wasn’t accustomed to.

“Do you know that I was almost executed due to the my almost successful assassination attempt on King Alistair?”  The question hung in the air and Delia could almost swear that even the crackle of the fireplace was silent.  Granted it wasn’t the truth, but the Warden-Commander had learned a thing or two about storytelling in her journeys.

“But I thought…”  Mera began her thought but hastily stopped herself.  It didn’t matter.  Delia knew what she was going to say.

“Oh, yes, I loved Alistair dearly, and a part of me probably always will.  But that didn’t mean that he did something that made me so mad I wanted to kill him.”  Delia leaned back against the warm brick wall and raised the glass to her lips.  She took a long drink, and allowed the liquid to warm her insides.

“You see, everyone knows of our love story.  An ex-templar, well not even a templar.  He was more like a recruit.  And me, a Circle Mage that almost had to be conscripted into the Wardens.  Some like to say it was destiny and love to believe the romance.  But not everyone knows what happened during the Landsmeet.  Many have gone to great lengths to keep it a secret of how we went out separate ways, and we choose to let them believe that we still carry a torch for each other.  Though, now that he’s married, I think it’s become less likely to believe.”

“What did you do?”  Mera asked, her legs becoming uncurled so that her feet could rest on the floor.

She chuckled and leaned her head back.  The memory as vivid now as it was the day it happened.  “Well, you see when I was vying to put Alistair on the throne, I sort of said that I would marry him, so that the kingdom would have an heir.  At the time, it made complete sense.  I was a fool to believe otherwise.  Alistair came to see me later and told me that because we were both Grey Wardens, conceiving a child would be completely impossible.

“I’m not saying that he lied to me, because that is a very accurate truth.  And I would have been content to leave it at that, if it had not been for the fact that I had overheard him and Arl Eamon talking earlier in the day about us.  You see, it wasn’t because I am a Grey Warden that we weren’t allowed to be together, but because I am a mage.  By law, we are not allowed to hold property of our own or have titles or anything like that.”

Mera was silent and Delia turned to look at her.  The elf’s blonde hair had fallen from its usual updo and was hanging around her in soft waves.  Her brown eyes were shining with unshed tears.  Delia knew that she’d hit close to home with her story.

“That hardly seems fair,” she whispered, a small quiver in her voice.  “You’d just saved all of Thedas from a huge threat.”

“But at the end of the day, Mera, I was still a mage.  And nothing, regardless of heroism or love, could ever wash away my Maker given sin of being a mage.”  Delia signed and returned her attention to the flames.  “It was the second time my curse had caused me to not be with the one I loved.”

“Who was the first?”  Mera asked, before she realized the answer for herself.  “Oh, I see.”

Delia felt a tell-tale blush creep up her face as she remembered her time in the Tower with Cullen.  “He was my first love, and because I was a mage, and he a templar…our love was forbidden.  I was so angry, that I was allowed to do all of these things for Fereldan and fight for a cause that I originally wanted no part of, and be a part of a crumbling organization…but I could not do the one thing I wanted more than anything in my life.

“I wanted to love.  The real and true kind of life that you only read about in storybooks.  And Alistair lying to me like that, I was so angry and enraged.  It wasn’t all his fault, and he understands why I reacted the way that I did.  I threw a reign of fireballs at him, missing on purpose, obviously.  Nearly killed him, and got into a bit of trouble because of it.”

For the first time since Delia had met Mera, the elf laughed.  Not just a soft chuckle or giggle, but a full belly laugh that sounded all throughout her room and was hopefully heard in the garden below.   “The next time we play Wicked Grace, you have to tell that story!”

Delia chuckled.  “I’d be happy to.  My reasons behind killing Alistair aren’t exactly why I came up here.”  She sobered quickly and drew a breath.  “Those months after Denerim were the worst I’d ever experienced.  I managed to keep my head in the game during Amaranthine, but just barely.  Afterwards, I was just in a dark place.  It took me nearly two years to find my way out.”

“What happened?”  Mera asked, coming to sit down on the floor in front of the Grey Warden.

Without saying anything, Delia removed the white ribbon tied from her wrist and showed Mera what lay hidden underneath there.  A thin white scar was visible in the light coming from the fire.

“Blood magic…” Mera whispered, her eyes turning dark towards Delia.  She leaned back as if the Grey Warden was no longer to be trusted.

“No!”  Delia cried, resting her right hand on Mera’s arm.  “No, I would never.  Not after what I saw at the tower and with what happened to Cullen.  I never could bring myself to do such a thing.”

“Then how do you explain this?”  Mera asked, her tone becoming very angry and accusatory.

Delia rose to her feet and began pacing about the room.  “I wanted my life to end, Mera.  I wanted all of the blood to drain from my body and to be free from the hatred and darkness of this world.  I’m a very strong mage, and I have been all of my life.  Demons don’t usually try to come at me, and that was true this time.  I simply ran a blade across my wrist and prayed for the end.

“Unfortunately, I’d forgotten what a skilled rogue I had traveling with me.  Zevran discovered me and another mage in our party, Anaerin, she quickly sealed the wound.  However, as the wound was self-inflicted the way that it was, it’s left this scar.  Zevran and Anaerin talked with me a lot during that time and were able to help me through the darkness.”

“You were fortunate,” Mera replied, bitterly, her own eyes turning towards the flames.

“As are you, Mera.”  Delia knelt down in front of her and took her hands in her own.  “I can easily see what you’re doing though others cannot.  You’re pushing yourself through your days.  Trying to stay focused as the Inquisition goes through a major transition.  And then, when you are alone, and when you think no one is watching you, you turn hide away someplace where you can try to sort out the mess of the life that’s been created without your consent.”

Mera’s eyes filled with tears and Delia knew she’d hit home.

“It’s so hard, Delia.”  Mera sounded so frightened and so unsure that it nearly broke the older woman’s heart.  “There’s so much responsibility and so many things that I have to do but I just can’t focus on them because all I want…”  The Inquisitor stopped and choked on a heart-wrenching sob but the Hero of Fereldan didn’t need her to continue.

“All you want is to find Solas,” she finished for her.  “I know.   I understand.  But you’ve done what both Kaitlyn and I have done.  We both allowed our titles to simply replace us.  Kaitlyn held on to her title of Champion of Kirkwall and used it as a shield to simply hide behind.  The same happened to me.  We forgot that we were people who were allowed to have hearts and to have feelings.”

The older mage helped Mera to her feet and they walked towards the windows that opened onto one of her balconies.  The cool mountain wrapped around both of them and Delia held the heart-broken woman close.  It was impossible to explain to another what such a loss did a person.  It was simply felt and understood without a word ever being spoken.

“How did you both survive?”  Mera asked, wiping away tears with her hand.

“That is quite possibly the greatest thing of all.”  Delia smiled, mischeviously, quite pleased with what happened in the end for both her and for her cousin, Kaitlyn Hawke.  “Instead of our titles using us, we in turn used our titles.”

Mera blinked up at her, confusion very apparent on her face.  “I don’t understand.”

“I’ve used the title of Warden-Commander to gain access to places and knowledge that I could never have attained otherwise.  It’s no secret that I’m trying to find a cure for the taint nor that I’ve spent quite a lot of time in talks with Fiona.  I’m not doing this so that Wardens don’t have to be Wardens forever.  I’m doing this for me.  So that I can have a life I’ve always wanted.

“Kaitlyn has done the same thing.  She sided with the templars only because she needed them to become Viscountess of Kirkwall.  Without them, her plans of reimagining the Circle in Kirkwall would’ve been nothing more than a dream.  Despite the fact that she was discovered and run out of Kirkwall, she now will the front on securing a peaceful life for mages across Thedas.”

“So you’ve basically used the system that used you?”  Mera asked, releasing Delia’s hands and leaning against the balcony railing.  “Lied to them?”

Delia shook her head.  “You can choose to see it that way, but Kaitlyn and I were not asked to become these great personages who have become so revered across Thedas.  We have to think about our futures.  Kaitlyn has managed to find love again, after Anders betrayed her.  I’m expecting for Sebastian to finally propose and then if she becomes Princess of Starkhaven, then she’ll have even more influence.  I don’t want to be a Warden, I never have.  I wanted to stay in the Circle and be close to Cullen forever.  I was fine with us never truly being together, just as long as I had him with me.  But now, we have a chance to actually be together.  I’m not going to let him go.”

“This is a lot to take in,” the elf sighed, looking towards the horizon.  “Are you saying that I could do the same with the Inquisition?”

“I’m saying you should do this with the Inquisition.  You’ve already made the decision to downsize and to become a more peaceable organization.  However, this will focus your intent on finding Solas, not just to bring him to justice but for you to simply have him near again.”  Delia rested a hand on Mera’s arm, feeling the underlying tension there.

“I’m not saying that you have to do anything, Mera.  The decision is yours.  You have so much at your disposal here that it would be a shame to waste it.”

Mera nodded, but Delia figured that she wasn’t going to get anything out of the Inquisitor today.  In any event, she didn’t expect the young woman to agree with her or even set out on the same path that Delia and Kaitlyn had done.  But there was a way to have purpose in a life that you never wanted.

“I’ll be staying at Skyhold for another week, and then I’ll begin my travels again.  If you need anything, you may feel free to speak to me.”

Not bothering to let Mera reply, Delia backed out off the balcony and hastily made her way to Cullen’s office.  She took the short cut through what used to be Solas’s sanctuary, instead of the more formal exit through the front.  She opened the door and found Cullen sitting at his desk, pouring over some paper work.  It was hard to compare him to the templar she once knew.  That person was more of a boy just as she was more of a girl then, in comparison to the man she saw now.  While he didn’t have the scars than that he bore now, that past shaped him into the person he was now.  A person that she loved.

“Finished?”  Cullen asked, standing up when she saw him enter.

“For now,” Delia whispered, coming to stand next to him.  She felt a bit weary after relaying all of that information to Mera.  Such a story was only meant to be told a few times.  And she always kept her secrets in the Grey Wardens. No one hardly ever knew the real her, what she wanted, where was going, and more importantly where she had been.

Cullen placed his arms around her and Delia fell into his comforting embrace.  He was dressed in simple pants and shirt, and Delia felt tears prick her eyes at how perfectly the two of them fit into each other.  Two halves making a perfect hole.

“What is it?”  Cullen asked.  He moved his hands to her upper arms, almost forcing her to look up at him.  He’d have to have been blind to see the tears pouring down her face.

Maker, he always knew when she was upset.  “I’m just so tired, Cullen.  I’ve spent so long being someone I’m not, doing things I have no heart in.  I’m ready to rest.  To be free.  To be happy.”

She lowered her head and apparently Cullen did as well.  She heard him inhale sharply and she quickly looked back up at him, thinking the lyrium withdrawal was making another attack on him. But his eyes weren’t on her, and they didn’t appear to be in pain.  His eyes were filled with shock and hurt and almost disappointment, and they were focused on the wrist she’d forgotten to cover when leaving Mera’s room.

“What is that, Delia?”  He asked, almost shoving her away from him.

The Mage Warden-Commander, the Hero of Fereldan, was pushed entirely away and Delia was only left with her empty self.   A woman who had suffered much and who desperately needed the man she loved to listen to her.

“Sit down, Cullen.  I have a tale to tell you.”

~ And that’s it!  Wow it took me forever to write this!  This was almost a week’s worth as I spent a long time figuring out how to start it.  Hope you all enjoyed it!  It is a rough draft, I recognize that and see that, so don’t freak out.  This is the end of Delia’s story, well, for now anyway, and I hope I raised lots of questions about Kaitlyn Hawke and Mera Lavellan.  🙂  What can I say?  It’s what I do!


I’ve been thinking about talents for the past few days and all of the many talents each of us has been given.  This has been mostly brought on by a compliment I received after playing in Church on Sunday.  I’m a pianist, as well as a singer, and played this song in between Sacrament talks, and it is one of my favorites to play.  Although, as I listen to it again, I will say that I have a terrible problem with tempo as I believe the middle and final sections should be played much faster than they are written, and with different dynamics, and….wow, I’m rambling.  NOT the purpose of this talk.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to be more gracious when I receive compliments about my various talents and abilities.  I sing, play piano, dance (sort of and with guidance), act, create costumes, and write.  These are all various creative outlets that I have found I excel in, or at the very least I enjoy.  Someone at Church pointed out these talents to me at Sunday, and it was followed by “I’m amazed how so much talent can be put into one person, and miss so many other people.” I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it.  My return phrase was said with great adherence to prompting.  “That just means that you have other talents that bless the lives of others.”  Again, I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it.

This brief conversation has had me thinking, that while there are many talents I have (and that’s not me being prideful.  Everyone has talents and acknowledging them is to better understand yourself.), there are many that I just don’t have and most of these come from a Church related mindset.

  1. I do not have a talent for understanding scripture.
    • Now, hold the phone.  I’m not saying that I cannot understand the Beattitudes, or the Parables, or many of Christ’s teachings.  But if I’m reading a story or some sort of historical  event in the scriptures, I cannot find the deep hidden meaning that if you read this scripture and revert back to a twenty lines before it and cross reference to this in an entirely different book you’ll find that it means X, Y, Z.  I cannot find the hidden meaning.  I’m a top level learner, and honestly, that works for me.  It’s the simple truth that I think many people have a tendency to overlook in favor of that meaning that you have to sweat over in order to find.
  2. I do not have a talent for impromptu speaking.
    • Just don’t ask me.  Seriously.  Don’t ask me to just give my testimony, or to give my opinion, without giving me the all important T-I-M-E.  It will seriously end with embarrassment for me, because what are words?,  and you, since the desired result is not what you originally wanted.  Need me to speak?  Give thoughts?  Just basically say anything?  Yeah, I’ll need time and the length of that depends on exactly how long you want me to speak.

While there are many more talents that I do not have possess, these two I find cause me the greatest issue since they happen alot, especially during Fast and Testimony meeting, and when I’m in Church related classes, like Sunday School, Institute, or Relief Society meeting.  Do I get dismayed and really downhearted because these two things are serious personal issues for me?  You bet I do!!

But you know what?  That’s okay!  It’s totally okay that things things are things I cannot do well.  (Yes, I put the word “things” three time in a sentence.  Grammar Nazi in me is SO IRRITATED!).  But there are others, so many others, who have these talents and I can choose to be uplifted and find great guidance in their words and thoughts.  I have my talents to share and they have theirs.  Together, we create a beautiful word where we can share the Gospel and teach all kinds of people!

– Dee

V-Day Original Character – Viola B. Patricks

Happy Single’s Awareness Day!  Galentine’s Day!  Valentine’s Day!  Whatever floats your boat!

I had debated for a while on what to post on this “happy” day, but I knew it was going to be about one of my favorite Harry Potter Post-Golden Trio Original Characters, Ismene or Viola.  Ismene, despite how much I love her, shares my view of Valentine’s Day, so Viola was the best choice.  So, I bring to you, Viola Bernadette Patricks.

Viola was born on February 14th, 1966 to muggle parents Dr. Adrian Patricks and Dr. Vivian Patricks.  She has two brothers, Jameson (5 years older) and Marcus (1 year older), who is married to Patricia and with whom has three children: Danielle (who Vi is the godmother of), Lynette, and Jacob.  Now, I don’t want to turn this into a 50,000 word story on her life, so I’ll sum it up.

She got her letter to Hogwarts at 11, much to the confusement of her family and the extreme dislike of her middle brother Marcus.  All, but Marcus, seemed to understand why strange things happened while Viola was around, and in the end were excited for her and her new school.  Viola started Hogwarts in the year of 1977 and graduated in the year 1984. She had been sorted into Hufflepuff and had followed the traits of that house to a T. She was devoted to her friends, and she worked very hard in all her classes. She took a deep interest in Herbology and Potions, which in the long run came to know surprise since her parents are both doctors. Viola spent time on the Quidditch Team as Chaser from 2nd to 4th year then Seeker for her last three years, making it to Captain her 7th year.

After graduating Hogwarts, she went straight to University with the intent of someday teaching. She studied diligently there as a student and graduated at the age of 22. After spending five more years doing personal study in herbs and potions, Viola started a teaching position at the Sydney School of Potions Mastery in Sydney, Australia. Before the start of the fall term in 1999, she received news of her mother’s death. She resigned from her job in Australia and returned to England to manage her mother’s estate. She was so distraught that she took a year off from teaching. When the Potions became available to Hogwarts, she was contacted by the Headmaster to come and teach. And after much soul searching decided she was emotionally capable of taking the position.

While teaching at Hogwarts, Viola found herself in a relationship with the new flying instructor Istvan.  I could spend forever writing up their wild and crazy love story, but that’s for another book.

Some quick info about Vi –

Patronus – Squirrel

Amortentia – Vanilla, Cassia, Arabica Coffee

PlayBy – Lauren Graham

Most Memorable Moment at Hogwarts – Turning Severus Snape’s robes pink the day she turned seventeen.  🙂

That’s all for today folks!  Happy Birthday Viola!

– Deanna

When Heavenly Father Speaks

Good evening, my wonderful Roses!!

I’ve been thinking a lot these past few weeks about prayer and the many different ways that Heavenly Father answers our requests for his guidance and blessings.  I know I’m not alone in the thought that we all feel there are times in our lives where we feel like God just isn’t listening, or the gates, doors, and windows to Heaven are shut.  I hate that feeling.  It’s like you’re stranded on a deserted island and no one is going to save you.  All of your problems, stress, and worries just weigh down on your shoulders and it’s like an impossible burden that you have to carry because no one will help.

So, what do we do in that situation?  It can be hard going to family, friends, or church leaders to discuss this because we feel as though we’re alone in this.  If Heavenly Father, someone who is supposed to always love and guide us, isn’t there, then how can we trust the people here on earth that we trust?

The truth is, we shouldn’t be looking to others for help.  At least, not at first.

Often times, it’s impossible for their to be open communication between us and Heavenly Father because something is blocking our path.  Usually, that comes in the form of sin, or a transgressions, that has occurred on our part.  We’ve not repented of it, and so it just sits there becoming a huge road block.  So, take care of the road block first.  Confess that sin, no matter how small or how large it is.  Truly repent and resolve to do all within your power to forever turn away from that transgression.  Also, apologize and ask forgiveness for those you may have injured in word or in deed.

Oh, wait.  You’ve done all that?  Well, then I guess we can move to the next part!  And that’s how Heavenly Father actually communicates with us, and answers our prayers.  For this part, I’ll be pulling from a talk by Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  I also strongly recommend you go listen to this talk which can be found here.  It’s a truly wonderful talk and gives really good points on prayer.

Heavenly Father answers prayer in many ways, and at times we can get accustomed to one particular way, like a fire in the heart, or emptiness, or actually hearing a voice (which if that’s happened to you, good on you!).  I, personally, believe that how He speaks to his children varies and depends on what each of us need.

Sometimes, God answers a prayer with a resounding “yes.”  It makes me so happy when I know that something I’ve asked for has come to pass.  I also feel really confident in what I’m doing as well.  Like, Heavenly Father has given me the green light, so to speak, and I’m able to make the right choices accordingly.

Sometimes, God answers a prayer with a heartbreaking “no.”  Those can be the hardest for us to deal with, because we’re human and sometimes subject to feelings of entitlement and so forth.  I’m personally struggling with a prayer that was answered with a “no,” at least, I think it was “no.”  Like I said, my impressions from God are so confusing and always have been.  It’s not like I know that He answers my prayers, because He does.  I’m just confused if what I’m feeling is my own doubts, struggles, worries, and human nature, or if it really is the final answer.  We’ll see in a few years.  🙂

The thing about having a prayer answered with “no” is that it’s not because God doesn’t love us.  It’s to prevent error.  You’re not supposed to do this thing, or have that, because God knows all things and sees what would happen if such a thing were to come to pass.  So, it comes down to faith, and trust on our part. Scary thing, isn’t it?

Another way that Heavenly Father answers prayer is by withholding an answer, and that right there is, personally, the scariest thing EVER!!  That’s one of those moments where I’m like “WHAT DID I DO?”  I’m so confused, because I feel like it’s something that I’ve done that has caused another road block in communication.  But the Elder Scott’s talk goes on to say that it’s during those times where we must exercise faith and trust in God.  Make a decision, based on a willingness to act on truth, and an obedience to His commandments, and, if you’ve made the wrong choices, He’ll let you know.

The talk also mentions those times where we come to Heavenly Father where we’re conflicted between two things and we need guidance from Heavenly Father on which one we should pick or do.  This sort of scenario was a huge burden on my heart for almost two months until this talk was brought up during an Institute class.  Both of these things were not bad, in fact it was basically a choice between two very wholesome activities for an upcoming Saturday.  However, doing one over the other would have a lasting effect in the upcoming months.  I asked, for guidance, and received no answer.  That’s because not ever question has a wrong or right answer.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks said that “we have prayed about a decision, for one cause or another, we should make without guidance by revelation…No answer is likely to come to a person who seeks guidance in choosing between two alternatives that are equally acceptable to the Lord.”

It was like BOOM!  I had my answer.  I wasn’t going to receive guidance or an answer, and that was okay.  So, I did what I usually do when I have to make a choice.  I go to my pros and cons chart.  Make a list of all the good and not so good things about each thing and go from there.  I also had to act the faith that if I was doing something Heavenly Father didn’t want me to do, He would let me know.

Like I’ve said, Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk goes on to explain so much more about prayer and communication from Heavenly Father, but I’ve been really focused on these three points for a while now.  I hope that this has been a help to you, reader.  If it hasn’t, then feel free to ask questions and I’ll do my best to answer you.  If it has, I hope that you’ll feel more confident when approaching Heavenly Father in prayer and understand that He does love you, more than any of us can comprehend.

Much love,


Updates and Plannings

Wow!  We’re almost halfway through January!  Where has the time gone?  Almost two weeks with the New Year’s Resolutions and already I’m slipping!  (Hey, it’s good to admit your short comings.  Just don’t let them drag you down!)  I can say that I did enroll in a gym and while I didn’t attend every single day, I have attended 3 group fitness classes that are seriously giving me a run for my money.  Two Zumba classes and a Body Pump class.

Can I just say that I love anything creative?  Dance outlets are perfect for me so Zumba is the soooo the right fit.  My Saturday class combined Zumba with a short Kettlebell workout and I think I did 200 squats once my two Zumba classes were done.  The Body Pump class works on muscle development which may not be important now, but as I lose weight, and fat goes away, muscle takes it place.  I’m headed for my Body Pump class tonight and I’m excited.  My limbs feel like jello when I’m done, but it’ll be worth it.

I have been making a point to be more proactive about my scripture study, and keeping the line of communication with Heavenly Father open.  I won’t lie, there are many days where I feel like the windows and doors and every little crevice into Heaven is closed, but with the way I feel in my life right now (and it’s all good), I know that I’m not being ignored.

So, now we get to focus on the future!  I already have one cosplay planned for Yama-Con 2017 and I’m meeting with a friend in the coming weeks to prepare for it.  She’s also a fairy friend, so I’ll finally get to bring Willow Chanter (my fae name) to life!  Apart from Renfaire which is here in 5 months, there’s nothing big happening in my world.  So, this is the perfect time to get everything in order before the last half of the year whirls along.

Peace out lovelies!!

– Deanna

Open at the Close

A little sum-up of the past few months and what’s happening in 2017.

And if you get that Harry Potter reference, good for you!

So, it’s been a while.  Lots have happened since October and lots still happening. The most important thing I think would have to have been Yama-Con the first weekend of December.  We were down in Pigeon Forge, yes I know there fires, for about five days having quite possibly the best time of my life.  Roomie went with me and there will be pics to follow.

Well, we’re gearing up for the end of 2016 and that means Christmas and New Year’s.  I’ve decided to make 2017 a year of re-centering, in both my personal, physical, and spiritual life.  There’s been a lot of failed starts over the past two years, and I really want to make a more positive change in my life.  This past year has also been one of serious emotional upheaval and I’m tired of it as it affects everything else in my life.  How are we going to do this?

Well, I’m going to take on a Bullet Journal this year.  For a basic idea of what bullet journaling is, click here.  Now, I’ve done some considerable research on how I want to set up my bullet journal and have looked at multiple examples and Pinterest has been my absolute friend.  Again, pics to follow as I get it set up.  I think a Bullet Journal will help me keep everything in my life organized, and I mean all aspects of my life.

I’m enrolling in a gym come January (yes, I can feel your eye roll on this side of the computer screen) but since I’m putting my own money into it I’ll be motivated to actually go.  Once I get my journal up and running and my schedule planned out, I should be able to reach my goals.

Curious about those pics?  Let’s get to it!!

We arrived on Thursday, a day ahead of the Convention, to do some touristy stuff!  This was my second visit to the Titanic which has quickly become one of my favorite attractions.  I enjoy certain moments in history and this one is right up on the list.

Yama-Con Day 2 – Katara, Avatar the Last Airbender.  This was by far the most time consuming cosplay to date.  Not only did I have to read my first pattern, but I had to modify that pattern as well.  Eventually I’ll put up all the pictures of the process and completed pieces.  While I wanted this to be so much more than it turned out, I’m so happy for how this whole project came together in the end.  I’m very proud of it, and have a better foundation for my sewing prowess for Katara Mach2!  For a video on my waterbending skills click here.  
Yama-Con Day 3 – Black Widow Character Bounding.  Sunday is the day we usually drive home and I need something to comfortable to wear as I make that trek.  My roomie was Scarlet Witch and looked awesome!!!  Can I just say that I want to wear this wig all of the time!!!  I loved being a redhead!

And that’s all for this post folks!!  I’ll “see” you all real soon!



OC-tober 10/17

Universe: Marvel Cinematic Universe

OC: Serafina Caldwell

Pairing: OC/Loki

It was strange, this magnetic pull she felt for the man she’d never laid eyes on before.  He felt familiar, like he was someone she’d always seen on her peripheral but never face to face. Yet she knew him, at least she felt like she did.  Despite her friend’s fervant pleas, and relentless pulling on her arm, Sarah wanted to stay.  To allow herself to be kept in the magnetic attraction for a person who could only be classified as a psychopath.  For goodness sake, he had a high ranking man sprawled out on the table with some sort of device lodged into his eye!

Well, whoever he was he called to her like a siren that called a sailor.

“Sera I swear if you don’t come with me right now…!”  Elise yelled at her, and gave her a final tug on her arm.

Sera looked back at Elise and gave her glare but allowed herself to be guided out of the museum.  However, she dared a final look a the stranger and he was looking at her.  Well, at first he looked surprised to see her. As if she was a friend from long ago.  But then he was angry.  It was a raging violent anger that came on so fast that Sera did indeed run as if her very life depended on it.

She darted out of building and towards the street but turned towards an alley when Elise let go of her arm.  It was the crowd, she thought, that caused them to become separated.  Catching her breath, Sera touched a locket that she’d always worn around her neck.  The locket that would never open.  The warm metal instantly calmed her and she dared peek out towards the street.

There he was.  His earthly clothes melting away and being replaced with black, green, and gold leather that gleamed in the evening lantern light.  He stood proud.  regal.  As if addressing people was something he’d done a thousand times.

What was his name?  It was on the tip of her tongue.  Why couldn’t she remember?  More importantly, why did she think she could remember?

Morning Musings



I had a bit of a realization this morning and felt it only appropriate to put it here.  It’s too long for the Book of Faces and I fear would get lost in the jumble of posts that happen on social media.  Not that this is something that I expect people to read, but it’s nice to be able to put down my thoughts without worrying how many “likes” or comments I’ll get.  Anyway, here we go.

Good morning!  My name is Deanna and I have trust issues.

There!  I said it!  You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard or would’ve taken me so long to realize it (and it has…we’re talking years here) but admitting the worst about ourselves is the first step to recovery.  Well, that’s what I’m told anyway.  Some flaws or defects about ourselves are things we’ll always have to deal with.  This is one of my “weaknesses” and it’s good to acknowledge it.

I wasn’t always this way.  In fact, I used to be a very easy going and friendly person.  Trusting people was so easy because I never had any doubt that people would turn out to be insensitive jerks who took everything for themselves leaving me behind to pick up broken pieces.  But that’s a rant for another day.

In the end, it’s forced me to see this.  Having trust issues is now the reason I keep everyone at an arm’s length.  This is not limited to strangers or acquaintances.  This includes family and close friends.   Libras, such as myself, are pictured as scales.  I can see the truth in this as I like to have a balanced life.  I don’t wish to bring unbalance to my life or to anyone’s life by bringing my own baggage to the scales, tipping them one way or another.

This doesn’t on any account make me an unloving or cruel person!!  I’ll carry on conversation (though don’t expect me to initiate…I’m an introvert), go out and do things, be positive and uplifting to people who are having bad days.  Just don’t expect me to come to you with my life story, my pain, my disappointment, my dreams, my hopes, or my love.  My heart is very well guarded, but there are times I will admit when several holes are made by outside forces and I run and hide as quickly as I possibly can.  I rebuild the walls, and wake up ready to start over again.

Is this exhausting?  In the beginning, most definitely.  But it takes thirty days to make a habit.  And it’s been well over thirty days.

But how can I ever expect to be married if you don’t trust people?




Really?  Marriage is not the only goal in this life!  And maybe I’m saying this as a hardened bitter divorced lady, but who in their right mind would open themselves up to that sort of pain all over again?!  I gave my trust and my unconditional love to someone who was supposed to trust and unconditionally love me F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!  And look where it got me?  I’m not saying that there aren’t many blessings in my life since that December of 2014.  In fact, I’m probably happier now than I was during my entire relationship with him.  But love is like a bank account and eventually so many withdrawals are made (with no deposits entered) that the overdraft fees just stack up and there’s nooooooo way you’ll ever see a balanced account.  Unrequited affection, tear-filled nights, and just downright loneliness….I mean who could go through that again?!

Of course, I say this now but who knows what the Lord has planned for me in the upcoming years.  I might end up being single for the rest of my earthly days.  And believe me, roomie and I have a plan for that.  If both of us never get married, I’m buying a house and we’re going to be Spinster Sisters and I’ll finally have the dog I’ve always wanted, and we’ll decorate the house with a bunch of nerd/geek merch and we’ll have the life we want.

But who knows?  Maybe I will have that fairy tale Disney romantic ending, where the guy scales the walls I’ve built around my heart, sweeps me off my feet and carries me off into the sunset.  Where he’ll actually court me (and there are standards for that) and get to know my family.  He’ll see all the facets of me and learn all of my interests and the desires of my heart and not only will he accept them, but he’ll want to be a part of the things that I love.  Well, maybe not everything.  There are benefits in being a part and being independent of each other.  Just not too independent.

But let’s face it.  Life isn’t a fairy tale.  And someone who is actually going to take the time to see me requires patience.  And we live in a too fast paced world where instant gratification is the key to everything.  Like, if you make a huge purchase you’re supposed to save up the money for it…not use the credit card to get it now.  The same can be said in a relationship.  If you want the end goal (ring, house, family, etc.) it takes time.  It takes patience.  It takes trust.

Not including family, there are probably only 3 people that I could say I trust unconditionally.  That’s it.  Three.  Three wonderful friends who I know that I could call at any time and they’d be there for me.  They’d listen and listen and listen until I’d said all that I need to say.  But I’m also that type of introverted shy person who doesn’t like to burden people with my problems.  Those three ladies are people who I know if they ask “how are you?” they really mean that question.  Roomie is one of those friends, and she can tell from the instant I walk in the apartment that something is wrong.

So, how does all of this end?

It’s simple really.  My name is Deanna and I have trust issues.  That’s part of who I am.  It’s part of what makes me…well, me.  Someday I’ll meet someone who really forces me to put faith and trust in people again.  But it’s not this day.  At least not at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

OC-tober 10/16

Universe: Harry Potter (wha?  Fanfiction?!)

OC: Lacrimosa Rose Donovan – Goes by Lacria by her friends and Ria by a very select few.  Story takes place end of year 1 of Hogwarts.

Lacria tried not to let the rocking of the train lull her to sleep but it was almost impossible.  She’d never imagined that her first year at Hogwarts would have been filled with so much work.  Granted, she’d enjoyed everything she’d learned…well, History of Magic she could do without, but most of it was rather enjoyable.  She’d even managed to find Professor Mcgonagall’s dry humor to be quite amusing by the time the year was over.

By the time exams rolled around, Lacria was filled with excitement for the summer and fear for the tests.  The letters announcing their grades would be sent their homes during the summer, but Lacria figured that she wouldn’t read the letter until closer to the end of summer. Especially since she wasn’t even going to be in England for most of the summer.

It had been strange, receiving a letter from the set of grandparents who lived in India.  The letter she’d received just before Christmas had been very vague and had risen more questions than had answered.  Lacria had a thousand questions to ask about the mother she never knew, but hoped that they would all be answered during her stay in India.

She smiled, thinking back to the argument that had ensued with her father and her stepmother during the Christmas holiday.  She’d made her case quite well, that she was more of an outcast than an actual member of the family.  Had made a list of reasons why she should be allowed to travel to India, despite the fervent (yet very strange) pleas of her stepmother to stay.

But Lacria had said that she would go to India and there was no changing her mind.  For almost two months she’d be with her family.  Maybe she might actually find a place to belong.  Who knew what they’d teach her?