The Last Petal Falls

“…I feel just awful. I feel sad. I feel just a little depressed. I do wish for my early Saturday morning rehearsals to come back.”

So, today is a very emotional day for me as I perform as “Belle” in Beauty and the Beast for the last time.  When I was in high school, my drama director always said that when a show was over we’d feel sad, depressed, and wish for the time that we had putting the show together to come back.  I did four shows in high school and I can honestly say that I never felt any of that.  Maybe it’s because I was in high school and there was always something happening when a show was over.  I mean, it was school and we were always busy with something or other.  Now, however, I’ve grown up and life isn’t as chaotic as it was back then.  Everything is a slow steady rhythm of plans I’ve made and I do have things lined up for my Saturdays now but as I sit here and type this…I feel just awful.  I feel sad.  I feel just a little depressed.  I do wish for my early Saturday morning rehearsals to come back.

It’s hard to put into words what this time has meant to me.  Theatre has been a part of my life since I was in 4th grade and I always seemed to miss on the opportunities to be a part of something greater than myself.  A wild crazy side of me that’s filled with nothing but my characters and the voices in my head is very rarely brought out.  It’s usually done during moments of creativity like Yama-Con, Ren Faire, moments at LCFC, and now theatre.  I feel like I can truly be myself and know that it’s okay.  We shouldn’t hide the part of ourselves that make us unique.  We should be the people we were meant to be and surround ourselves with positive people who share our likes.

I feel like being a part of this show, I’ve done that.  The people I’ve met are so full of life and all their dreams ahead of them.  They’re happy with who they are and are who they’re meant to be.  It’s an admirable quality and light that was dimmed in me during high school and continued to be so until it was finally snuffed out during my marriage.  How much I have learned from a cast full of people from all walks of life and of different ages who shine so brightly in a world that tries to shove them into dark corners.  I pray that none of them lose sight of the wonderful people that they are and remember that it’s okay to love things with all of their souls.

So, my performance today has a special dedication.  It’s for every person who feels as if their dreams were taken from them.  Anyone who has been put down by others just because they’re different or they don’t meet the society’s mold.  For anyone who feels as if the things they once wanted are no longer achievable.  For those who are lost in the darkness of the world’s making.  It is possible to find your dreams again…to put the pieces of your broken future into something that is truly wonderful.  A dream of mine has always been to play Belle but the journey these past few months has been more than that.  Right now, my dream is to be happy and to live a life worthy of what my Heavenly Father has planned for me.  To surround myself with positive people.  To live my life without caring if I seem strange to other people.  It is possible!  I promise you!  A year and a half ago, I thought it was the end of everything.  But it wasn’t.  I’ve been made stronger and have found a life that has made me so happy that I can’t be anything but grateful and I want to share it with the world!!

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Me as “Belle” in the Spotlight Acting School’s Beauty and the Beast.  

 

 

 

The Nerves

So, it wasn’t until I was getting ready to go on stage Thursday night that I realized just where the nerves come from!  For years I’ve been on stage either for a show, opera, choir, or my own personal recitals.  And if I ever have some sort of solo part, I always get so terrified.

But it’s not the singing the solo, or saying my lines that’s got me so worked.  It’s the waiting!  Even right now as I have 9 hours til curtain rises on my second show, I’m freaking out.  My heart is racing, and my hands are shaking, and I’m trying to do everything in my power to stay calm and take my mind off the show.  I realized Thursday night, the second the show started and I stepped out on stage the nerves went away and I could just go on with the show.

Funny how it’s taken almost 20 years to realize that.  But what do the nerves actually teach me or do for me?  Well, apart from stressing me out and giving me a few grey hairs it’s teaching me.  Patience is truly a virtue.  We can’t spend all of our lives worrying about what will come or what will happen.  We have to focus on the now and trust that what we’ve done will be enough for the future.

 

Opening Night

Tonight is night one for me and it’s opening night for the whole show.  I’ll not lie…I’m a mixture of excited and terrified.  Belle is my first lead role and it’s the first time I’ve had this large a role since high school ( 10 years ago ).  So many people from church are coming tonight, as well as some of my family, and my roomie.

Funny thing about roomie.  She was originally going to be my dresser backstage for Act 2 but I nixed that idea after a while.  I told her she doesn’t have to come to opening night now and she can come to any night she wanted.  She was all like “No!  I have to come to Opening Night!  Belle is your dream role and you’ve wanted this for like ever!  I’m not going to miss it!!!”

And I for some reason have the hardest time staying in character when I have to hit Gaston.  I’m not a person who uses physical force and I’m actually slapping him so I end up laughing and say I’m sorry!!  When I explained this to my roomie, she was like “Meh, just pretend he’s Thor.”  Girl does have a point.  But then I was like – “Oh, even better!  I’ll pretend he’s my ex-husband!”  Roomie then screams “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM!”

I knew there was a reason I kept her around.  She keeps me outta jail.  XD

So, before I sign off and actually be productive before the show, I’d like to dedicate my performance to my grandparents who have both passed on.  Papaw was some time ago, but Granny was not long after I landed this role.  Both would have loved this show and I would have loved to perform for them!  I hope that they’re watching down and are with me tonight!  Regardless, the show must go on!

I might do a post show post if I can even think straight.