I had a bit of a realization this morning and felt it only appropriate to put it here. It’s too long for the Book of Faces and I fear would get lost in the jumble of posts that happen on social media. Not that this is something that I expect people to read, but it’s nice to be able to put down my thoughts without worrying how many “likes” or comments I’ll get. Anyway, here we go.
Good morning! My name is Deanna and I have trust issues.
There! I said it! You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard or would’ve taken me so long to realize it (and it has…we’re talking years here) but admitting the worst about ourselves is the first step to recovery. Well, that’s what I’m told anyway. Some flaws or defects about ourselves are things we’ll always have to deal with. This is one of my “weaknesses” and it’s good to acknowledge it.
I wasn’t always this way. In fact, I used to be a very easy going and friendly person. Trusting people was so easy because I never had any doubt that people would turn out to be insensitive jerks who took everything for themselves leaving me behind to pick up broken pieces. But that’s a rant for another day.
In the end, it’s forced me to see this. Having trust issues is now the reason I keep everyone at an arm’s length. This is not limited to strangers or acquaintances. This includes family and close friends. Libras, such as myself, are pictured as scales. I can see the truth in this as I like to have a balanced life. I don’t wish to bring unbalance to my life or to anyone’s life by bringing my own baggage to the scales, tipping them one way or another.
This doesn’t on any account make me an unloving or cruel person!! I’ll carry on conversation (though don’t expect me to initiate…I’m an introvert), go out and do things, be positive and uplifting to people who are having bad days. Just don’t expect me to come to you with my life story, my pain, my disappointment, my dreams, my hopes, or my love. My heart is very well guarded, but there are times I will admit when several holes are made by outside forces and I run and hide as quickly as I possibly can. I rebuild the walls, and wake up ready to start over again.
Is this exhausting? In the beginning, most definitely. But it takes thirty days to make a habit. And it’s been well over thirty days.
But how can I ever expect to be married if you don’t trust people?
Really? Marriage is not the only goal in this life! And maybe I’m saying this as a hardened bitter divorced lady, but who in their right mind would open themselves up to that sort of pain all over again?! I gave my trust and my unconditional love to someone who was supposed to trust and unconditionally love me F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!! And look where it got me? I’m not saying that there aren’t many blessings in my life since that December of 2014. In fact, I’m probably happier now than I was during my entire relationship with him. But love is like a bank account and eventually so many withdrawals are made (with no deposits entered) that the overdraft fees just stack up and there’s nooooooo way you’ll ever see a balanced account. Unrequited affection, tear-filled nights, and just downright loneliness….I mean who could go through that again?!
Of course, I say this now but who knows what the Lord has planned for me in the upcoming years. I might end up being single for the rest of my earthly days. And believe me, roomie and I have a plan for that. If both of us never get married, I’m buying a house and we’re going to be Spinster Sisters and I’ll finally have the dog I’ve always wanted, and we’ll decorate the house with a bunch of nerd/geek merch and we’ll have the life we want.
But who knows? Maybe I will have that fairy tale Disney romantic ending, where the guy scales the walls I’ve built around my heart, sweeps me off my feet and carries me off into the sunset. Where he’ll actually court me (and there are standards for that) and get to know my family. He’ll see all the facets of me and learn all of my interests and the desires of my heart and not only will he accept them, but he’ll want to be a part of the things that I love. Well, maybe not everything. There are benefits in being a part and being independent of each other. Just not too independent.
But let’s face it. Life isn’t a fairy tale. And someone who is actually going to take the time to see me requires patience. And we live in a too fast paced world where instant gratification is the key to everything. Like, if you make a huge purchase you’re supposed to save up the money for it…not use the credit card to get it now. The same can be said in a relationship. If you want the end goal (ring, house, family, etc.) it takes time. It takes patience. It takes trust.
Not including family, there are probably only 3 people that I could say I trust unconditionally. That’s it. Three. Three wonderful friends who I know that I could call at any time and they’d be there for me. They’d listen and listen and listen until I’d said all that I need to say. But I’m also that type of introverted shy person who doesn’t like to burden people with my problems. Those three ladies are people who I know if they ask “how are you?” they really mean that question. Roomie is one of those friends, and she can tell from the instant I walk in the apartment that something is wrong.
So, how does all of this end?
It’s simple really. My name is Deanna and I have trust issues. That’s part of who I am. It’s part of what makes me…well, me. Someday I’ll meet someone who really forces me to put faith and trust in people again. But it’s not this day. At least not at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning.