Week 7 – Day One
This week we’re going to be talking a different type of fitness, but before that..a quick recap.
Alright. We’re going to be honest and straight forward with this. I’ve hit one of those moments which usually occurs during a weight loss journey. I just don’t care. Like…I didn’t care for a week and when you weigh in, that shows. So, now I have to make up for that this week. This is going to be interesting since I’m going on vacation. However, I have complete control for this vacation. We’re all taking our own food. So, I’m stocked with fresh fruits and sandwich fixings and things that I can portion out. We’re eating out maybe three times and we’ll do lots of walking. So, all in all, I think I can recover some ground. OH! I’ll also have root canal on Thursday (yay?) so that means I won’t be able to eat at all the day before next week’s weigh in.
Now, about this I don’t care thing. Let’s take a look at that. I was in the one-year-old room last week, and it didn’t really have an effect on me but last Thursday did. Let me just say that places where I have to actually interact with people leads to a very emotional and stressed out Deanna who ended up crying the whole way home. Now, there was lots that went into that. Self-doubt…plenty of self-pity. There were questions that still have no answers. Or maybe I did receive my answer and I’m trying to make my piece with it. Like, I really feel like the answer to my “am I ever going to get remarried” question is a simple and resounding “No.” But I can’t tell if that’s a “not right now,” “not in this lifetime,” or “not ever,” kind of response. But I also can’t tell if that’s an answer from Heavenly Father because that sort of “no” answer is then flooded with reasons why, and let’s just say that none of them are pretty. They’re horrible dark thoughts that if I wasn’t a stronger person, and didn’t have the wonderful support group of friends that I do, I would have a very different life right now…if I even had one at all.
Thursday was definitely a cry the whole way home, hop in shower and cry more, go to bed and cry more kind of night and it just effected my whole week. And don’t get me started on General Conference. While I love to hear the Church leaders address us, it’s also a very hard time for me. My first Conference (7 years ago) was such a wonderful experience and I cried happy tears the whole way through. Some of those Conference talks are just painful to listen to and I don’t feel the joy like I used to. I feel very lost and like I’m going through the motions of life. At the very least I try to magnify my calling, and attend Church meetings and Institute regularly. I try to be attentive and to listen and to surround myself with good people, but there’s a change when I’m away from it all.
I feel alone. Like the doors of Heaven are just closed and my prayers and pleadings just bounce off the gates, unnoticed, unseen and unheard. Granted, this isn’t the first time this is happened nor will it be the last.
I approached the Roomie with some of this a couple of days ago, wondering why I feel this way. She could’ve totally came at me with the usual responses that are centered around prayer and scripture study. But she forced me to realize that I’m still healing. For too long, I allowed myself to be emotionally shattered until I’m now so twisted inside that the only way to undo the knot is to break it. I can’t give my opinion because I’m so used to being looked like I’m a crazy person who should never open her mouth. (Though I will admit, I do have my crazy moments but those don’t count here.) I don’t ask for help, because I was forced to learn how to help myself because the one person who was to walk beside me chose not to.
People want me to open up. To find love again. To trust. To believe. But they have no idea how hard it is, or how emotionally draining it is. There’s no way I could ever allow myself to go through all of that all over again. It’s ridiculous to expect me to break down all of the walls I’ve carefully built over the past 5 years. You heard me…5. That time includes the 3 1/2 year catastrophe of a marriage. To trust another person with my heart? No way! That’s insane! Roomie and I have decided that both of us never get married, I’m gonna buy a house and we’re going to be Spinster Sisters. We’ll have our flower garden, cats, I’ll finally get that dog, and just be a couple of Geeks in our Crossroads of Fandoms house.
*takes a breath*
Alright, so that is pretty much been the mentality of last Thursday through I think Wednesday. So about week . Yesterday was also my 28th birthday so I’m feeling the effects of that. So how is this going to change this week. Honestly? It probably isn’t. Nor the week after that. Or the week after that. This isn’t something that’s going away anytime soon, and truly it may not ever. I’ll heal, eventually. But those scars will always be there. Maybe the memory will fade in time. Maybe I’ll be the type of person Heavenly Father wants me to be. But until then, I’ll live vicariously through the voices in my head and hide in my corner with a good book.
P.S. For a look at Kristen’s progress click here.