I’ve been in the process of rereading my Book of Mormon. I’m trying to take a little bit of time each day to read at least one verse, but the goal is two chapters a day; one in the morning after I wake up, and one at night before I go to bed. Usually this happens while I’m already in bed and read my scriptures on my phone. Though, heaven knows I’m more of a tactile reader. I don’t really care for e-readers or anything like that. But, it’ll do in a pinch.
Anyway, I’m still in 1 Nephi and was reading chapter 7 last night. I’ve been having a lot of struggles lately dealing with Heavenly Father’s timing and remembering to doubt my doubts before I doubt my faith. Almost two years ago, right after my ex-husband and I separated, I was so strong in what I knew and what I believed in. I still am, but lately it feels as if it all just goes unanswered. But lately I’ve seen that I’ve used my callings and other church activities to keep me busy and away from actually doing what I need to do be prepared for whatever Heavenly Father has planed for me.
In my home ward, I had Primary and it was a glorious calling! I enjoyed being the music leader and teaching all of the kids different primary songs and preparing for the program. I felt so fulfilled and so happy and so sure that I could stay in Primary forever and be okay. However, as much as I love children, I’ve noticed that my close knit circle of LDS friends are just not around anymore. I mean, it’s not that they’ve up and abandoned me or anything, we just all lead very different lives now. They’re all married with children of their own and they live farther away than I’d like. I didn’t feel able to talk to anyone about my own personal struggles so I’ve tried to keep it hidden away…something I can be very good at .
It soon came to my attention that staying with the kids was not something that was going to help me. I needed to learn to be in a social environment and be myself around strangers instead of waiting until I knew someone before letting them “see” how crazy I really am. Seriously, I’m quite a lunatic…my friends just love me to much to have me committed. 🙂 So, I moved to the Singles Branch which puts me in place where there are people between the ages of 18 and 30. So…people relatively closer to me in age than opposed to the Primary kids. I’m there mostly to learn and to be ready for whatever I need to be ready for. But it’s led to discontentment and a lot of personal heartache as I feel as if I’ve been abandoned and not enough to be worthy of Heavenly Father’s notice.
Last night, however, I read this scripture. It’s 1 Nephi 7: 11-13
“How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us, in delivering us out of the hands of Laban, and also that we should obtain the record? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him. And if it so be that we are faithful to him, we shall obtain the land of promise…”
Now Nephi is speaking to his brothers who are just plain stubborn and who are trying to kill him..again. Nephi is reminding them of all the things that have happened that have blessed them and how they’ve been kept safe during many of the trials. But I felt this on a much more personal level last night. I may not have seen “an angel of the Lord” but have seen things that have made me realize that the Lord is real and acknowledges me. Let me rephrase it all this way.
How is it that I have forgotten that I have seen the workings of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that I have forgotten the great things the Lord hath done for me, in providing me with a good job that helps me get out of debt, of giving me the ability to love many things and to find joy in many things, in delivering me out of the hands of a harmful marriage? Yea, and how is it that I have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to HIS will, for me, if it so be that I exercise faith in him? Wherefore, I should be faithful to him. And if it so be that I am faithful to him, I shall obtain the land of promise.”
Does that make sense? It did to me at about ten o’clock last night. I’ve allowed Satan more control over my thoughts these past few months than he has any right to and that stops now. Actually, it started last night, but you get the idea. Heavenly Father has done so much for me and I have no right to sit here in self-pity when I should be out doing things. Putting myself in places where I need to be so that Heavenly Father can give the blessings that are just waiting to be claimed. I’ve focused too much on my present circumstances that I’ve lost sight of all the blessings the past has brought me and allowed the road ahead to become foggy so that I can’t see the future.
It’s been no way to live and I see that now. I’ll probably keep this scripture posted somewhere in my house so that I can be reminded daily of the past and the future. I have the free will to use my agency and choose the right. And it’s time I started doing that.